Don’t Take It Personally

We hear the phrase “Don’t take it personally” so often, and many of us do indeed try not to. But what does it actually mean to not take something personally? If you’ve read Don Miguel Ruiz’s “The Four Agreements,” his second agreement, “don’t take anything personally” attempts to explain why we actually do take things personally. The idea is that consciously or subconsciously we agree with what’s being said. If a stranger on the street says, “you are a terrible person!” and some part of us agrees, we might think “how does he know? Am I a terrible person? I didn’t call my friend on her birthday 10 years ago so I must be terrible.” These thoughts are triggered because of a concept called personal importance, the egoic belief that everything is about ourselves, including other people’s behaviors.

In reality, it’s not all about us, but we are naturally inclined to believe so. Each of us thinks and behaves through a lens that focuses on our own worldview. Think of your worldview as a pair of glasses that you put on every day. The lenses are composed of every experience and belief that you’ve had up until the present moment. Imagine a scene where two people are walking toward each other on a street and they accidentally bump into each other. The first person, whose glasses contain experiences like being the scapegoat of his family and learning to respond to perceived slights with aggression, might yell “watch where you’re going!” The second person, whose glasses contain learning that others’ behaviors are not a direct reflection of him, might apologize, keep walking, and forget the incident entirely. Different glasses, different responses. 

It can be easy enough to dismiss rude or bizarre behavior by strangers on the street – after all, they don’t even know us well enough to be truly upset with us personally. But what about the people we are closest to? The ones that do know us intimately? How can we avoid taking it personally when our partner makes a scathing remark about our behavior? What about when our parents passive aggressively comment on our life choices? The fact is, we get triggered due to the glasses that we are wearing and our belief that the behavior that triggers us is both personal and true. This leaves us feeling angry, judged, ashamed, and a myriad of other unpleasant feelings. While we can’t control others’ words and actions, we can try to regulate how we experience the situation. 

Tips for not taking things personally 

1. Pause

When we’re triggered, our impulse is to react immediately. If we can pause, even for a split second, we give ourselves the opportunity to notice what comes up within our minds and bodies. Maybe it’s a thought – “why would he say that?” “She thinks she knows everything!” “What an idiot!” Maybe it’s a physical sensation like a tightening in the chest, muscle-tensing, or shoulders slouching. No matter what comes up, if we can notice it, we can decide how we choose to handle the situation, versus reacting blindly. 

2. Reflect 

What did the situation stir up in me? Are we being yelled at or are we on the receiving end of a passive-aggressive comment? Rather than focusing on the other person and all of the reasons why they behaved in this way (and why we think they should have behaved in another way), shift the focus to yourself. What does this experience evoke in me, and why? Have I felt this feeling before? If so, when, and why does it trigger me so deeply?

3. Remind 

You may need to tell yourself over and over again “it’s not about you.” Remind yourself of your own worth. If you know who you are and what you are worth, then someone else’s words or behaviors are less likely to rock you. In fact, they will bounce right off of you. 

4. Choose 

We always have a choice in how we respond to others. We also have the luxury of choosing when to respond (we don’t always need to respond immediately.) Knowing this, we can choose to respond in a healthy and appropriate way rather than reacting defensively or withdrawing completely.  

When we don’t take things personally, it allows space for us to be curious about others. When  a stranger bumps into us on the street, the emotional distance that we naturally have with strangers allows us to reflect, “Gee, I wonder what happened to him to make him act so rudely?” The same can be applied with our loved ones: “I wonder where my mother’s predisposition to criticize comes from?” Curiosity in relationships allows us to be more open and listen attentively. It can lead to more meaningful connections and deepen our understanding of both ourselves and others. Not taking things personally benefits all of us. It reduces our anxiety, our unhappiness, and even diminishes our insecurities. So, the next time someone tells you, “don’t take it personally,” make sure you thank them as you assure them that you certainly won’t. 

References:

Ruiz, Don Miguel (1997). The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen Publishing, Inc. 

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