Coping with the Emotional Stress of Infertility

Author: Amy Warren

I’d like to start by saying that starting a family is something that everyone, no matter their background, should have the option to do if they so desire. Oftentimes, the struggle to conceive has a true physical or biological cause, but sometimes there is no explanation which can be the most frustrating of all. This topic is often stigmatized as it brings up feelings of inadequacy. It is important to remember how this process has the ability to impact your emotional well being and mental health.

About 6% of women aged 18-44 who are in committed relationships are unable to get pregnant after one year of trying, and about 12% of women in this age range have difficulty getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term, regardless of relationship status. 

Being a taboo subject, not so much is discussed out in the open with family and friends, and it can be consuming and isolating to have to go through this alone. You may feel a sense of shame or anger when you can’t achieve your desired results, or maybe you never expected it to be this difficult.

Because infertility is such a personal issue, you may feel hesitant to share your emotions and may end up feeling isolated. Communication between you and your partner during this time is essential, along with being open to friends or family who you feel comfortable sharing this personal experience with.

Here are 5 tips I put together for coping with infertility issues:

1. Acknowledge your feelings

Frustration, anger, sadness and grief, are all normal responses to the highs and lows of infertility. Although family and friends mean well, hearing things like “relax and it will happen”, or “don’t stress so much because it’s the stress that’s causing it” may be invalidating or not what you want to hear. Maybe you’ve always been good at achieving your goals. Maybe you never thought it would happen to you. Whatever your experiences or logic, struggling with infertility is a very frustrating and difficult process, no matter who you are. This will bring up all kinds of feelings. Remember to acknowledge your feelings and give yourself permission to go through them. Sometimes when we fight our feelings or try to dismiss them it does not serve our long term emotional needs. Expect a roller coaster of emotions from highs and lows including hope, excitement, disappointment, grief, sadness, anger, and again relief. The ups and downs of this process can be enough to make anyone feel unstable, but do remember this is all normal. Another important part of this process is to grieve the losses that make up the infertility experience. You may be mourning a miscarriage or a failed IVF cycle. It’s important to acknowledge this loss, too.

2. Remember that you are not alone! 

Remember that there are so many individuals and couples who have gone through this in the past and currently go through this right now. It’s a process. Although hearing other people’s stories sometimes do not help, remembering you are not the first person to experience this and have a positive outcome is a piece of hope to hold on to. Look into infertility support groups or ask your therapist for more referral information. You can even start your own group on social media.

3. Reach out to a therapist or mental health professional for support

Reaching out for support from a therapist is a great option when you need to speak to someone who is not a family member or friend. Nobody should have to suffer through this alone! At this time of vulnerability and conflicted emotions, speaking to a mental health professional can be comforting and a great way to learn coping skills. By having the unconditional support of someone who is willing to go on the journey with you - whether it may be weeks or months of testing/ treatment can make all the difference. A therapist can also be a source of stability and consistency during a time that may feel inconsistent or unstable as the weeks go by.

4. Create a self-care plan

While adding therapy to your self-care plan is always recommended, there are so many other ways of treating yourself with kindness and love that can help you get through this anxiety induced time. Do what you find most comforting for yourself. Whether it’s getting some extra rest, drinking your favorite tea, getting a massage, or completing a yoga class -  make a list of things that you can do to nurture yourself. This will help in minimizing beating yourself up. A long brisk walk, window shopping, watching a funny movie, or just a good chat with a friend are a few of my many favorites!

Don’t underestimate the power YOU have on your own emotional well being. The better you take care of yourself and manage your stress, the better you will be able to cope during this challenging time.  

5. Practice mindfulness 

 Oftentimes you might be so consumed with the dreaded “2-week wait”, bloodwork, or medical tests, that you might forget about staying present and living in the moment. Although you want this to happen and you have a dream/goal to have a baby, remember your life right now and the present moment. You have the ability and freedom to find joy in the present moment by breathing and being aware of your surroundings. Especially in our current society, we are so consumed with the future and fast pace technology, it gets harder to stay in the moment. This might be a good time to practice gratitude, meditation, or journaling to get in touch. Another form of mindfulness is what can you do for yourself today that will make you happy? There is a lot of uncertainty that comes with the process of infertility. It’s natural to fear the lack of control but sometimes letting go in the present is the first step to achieving the desired outcome. We can only take the actions and do our best, and letting go of the outcome can ultimately bring peace. 

Lastly, it is important to understand your options and stay neutral on the topic. It’s possible that there is a light at the end of your infertility struggle as not losing hope is the most important thing. With medical advancements and treatments today, so much is possible. There’s no one way to have a baby and to start your family.