How to Be Kinder to Yourself During COVID-19

Author: Kara Lissy

My clients often ask me “how are other people holding up?” or “you must be getting a lot of the same comments, huh?” The truth is, therapy in the time of COVID-19 has been a spectrum of sorts. There is no “one size fits all” therapy approach for this kind of crisis.

In fact, I’ve found myself to be sort of a mixed bag. Some days I leap into the day convinced it will be productive and check all of the “self-care” boxes; others, I wallow inside a blanket on my couch pondering the meaning of life without in-person human connection.

In many ways, I feel like a tree whose branches keep getting jostled about by the stormy elements: the news, a loved one being diagnosed with COVID-19, concern for healthcare workers. Sometimes my branches are broken by loss. Events and time I won’t get back, like a friend’s postponed wedding or a canceled mini-vacation with my mom, just seem to snap my branches in two. 

But I’ve managed to get through the last month as I’m sure many of you have, too. So what has been anchoring you to the ground - and to yourself - amidst the bad weather all around us? Below, I’ll share some ways to show yourself compassion amidst the health crisis.

1. Add Physical Movement.

As a runner, I was devastated by the first few weeks of self-quarantine. Succumbing to the black and white thinking I always caution my clients away from, I angrily resigned “Fine! I just won’t do ANY exercise!”. However, I quickly noticed a big decline in my mood and energy. I realized the current circumstances have taken away my control over many things, but my self-care doesn’t have to be one of them.

I challenged myself to try yoga again, which I’d put on the back burner for a long time, and got a recommendation from a friend to try Melissa Wood Health. She blends yoga with pilates and small movements to get your muscles really working. Her videos are short, but tiring and all incorporate some aspect of yoga into the routine.

Whether it’s a world health crisis or just another day at the office, your body is the common denominator to get you through it - so it’s important to take care of it and keep it moving.

2. Socialize.

I’ve found myself more and more grateful for virtual platforms over the last month, not only because they’ve enabled me to keep connecting with my clients, but because I can still carve out quality time to catch up with family members and friends. It may not be the same as clinking two mugs together at your favorite coffee shop or sharing a meal at a local eatery, but it’s better than nothing at all.

For some of my family, I’ve noticed we are actually checking in and FaceTiming even more than we previously were. Zoom is a great platform to use to connect multiple people at once. And if you’re the type of family that likes to play games, the phone app, “HouseParty” can be used to play fun games like Trivia or a Cards Against Humanity spin-off called, “Chips and Guac.”

3. Set boundaries between activities.

Boundaries have likely been the most important pillar in my self-care routine. I used to have built-in transition periods: moments like subway rides when I could wake up; walks to pick up my lunch in between clients; and, the simple peace of mind knowing that once I walked in my apartment door, I was no longer at work, but at home.

At the start of quarantine, my morning routine wasn’t as supportive as I needed: my alarm would blare, I checked my phone immediately, threw my hair in a bun, put on my glasses and started my day of video sessions, all within half an hour. Not much transition time! It was difficult to give my body or my mind a chance to wake up when my office is steps away from my bed.

Boundaries are a crucial part of self-care. They enable us to be fully present, direct our attention to one thing at a time, and make sure our professional lives do not bleed into our personal lives.  These new behaviors I’ve instituted provide both boundaries and a chance to transition from one activity to another.

• Do my best to wake up at the same time every morning

• Try (heavy emphasis on try) to give myself an hour to wake up before my first session

• Keep my laptop at my work station to create a dedicated space for work

• Refrain from checking work emails in the bedroom

• Change clothes to signify the beginning and end of the work shift

• Put my phone (and other screens) away at least 30 minutes before bed

• Check email sparingly on the weekend, and only when I have the time and intention to reply to them

4. Be kind to yourself.

Grief and disappointment are all uncomfortable emotions, and we’re flooded with them right now. We typically go to great lengths to distract ourselves from our suffering, but it seems we’ve been stripped of many of those opportunities. We are spending more time with ourselves and as a result, our negative thinking patterns and inner self-critics may become even more apparent and more frustrating.

This is not a bad thing! I repeat, this is NOT a bad thing. It’s exactly what is supposed to be happening during a time of crisis. The word “crisis” literally means “to sift,” so when your issues are rising to the surface, it means you’re ready to confront and cope with them.

Whatever demon you’re grappling with in quarantine, self-compassion is your best ally. It won’t guard you against pain, but it can be the antibiotic you put on the metaphorical self-inflicted wounds you give yourself.

If you’re finding your negative self-talk has amped up a notch (like mine), here are three quick hacks to self compassion:

• Ask yourself, “what you would tell a friend in the same situation?”

• Identify how you are feeling and afterwards add the words “….and that’s okay” (i.e. “I’m feeling sad and unproductive today…and that’s okay.”)

• Write a list of 3 kind things you did for your body today. They can be as simple as “I really wanted ice cream, so I ate it.” (I do this nightly, as a matter of fact.)

• If you took it hard on your body today, turn the list into an intention list for kind things you’ll do tomorrow. (i.e. “I didn’t hydrate enough today so tomorrow I’ll make sure to drink extra water.”)

Although I’m tempted, I won’t end with a cliche about how hard times make us stronger, more beautiful, and even better than we were before. While that might be true, what’s most important right now is that we take care of ourselves day by day. Although the world is dark right now, we can still light ourselves up from the inside with self-compassion.