How to Cope with Grief During the Holiday Season
Author: Alysha Perlman
How to Cope with Grief During the Holiday Season
The holidays can be such a joyous time, but this isn’t always the case as they can also be a very difficult time. Whether you are grieving the loss of a loved one, a break up, or the continued uncertainty of COVID - it can be hard to do so when you are supposed to be engaging in the ‘holiday cheer’. Talking about your grief may feel even more uncomfortable around the holidays, as the expectation is that it’s the most wonderful time of the year. The holidays can be the time of year where many feel increased anxiety, depression, and other feelings related to their grief and disengaging can actually be detrimental to the grieving process. I am sure you have heard that there is no one right way to grieve, and it is important to feel your feelings! Well - these are true and I wanted to provide some simple ways to make you feel the most supported during this time.
Listen to yourself and your feelings
You cannot always predict when your grief will feel overwhelming, but you can make time to actively think about your feelings. It may not feel like the most enjoyable activity in your day but by doing so you are giving yourself space to engage. I often tell clients to set aside time in their calendars or a standing alarm on their phone and consider it “me time”. Sit in a quiet comfortable space and check in with yourself. You can ask yourself the following questions to guide:
“How am I feeling today?”
“What do I notice in my body today?”
“What do I need?”
Then, based on the answers to these questions, explore the feelings behind them with openness to try and understand what has made you feel this way.
Setting boundaries
There is a lot of pressure around the holidays to say yes to all plans and put on a happy face. However, boundaries are very important when thinking about supporting yourself and your grief.
If you have been invited to a number of functions that you are not ready for, or don’t want to attend, it is okay to:
Send a text or tell your friend/coworker/family ahead of time you may need to leave early
Going to a quiet space and taking a few deep breaths to check in with yourself
Say no: you do not have to RSVP yes to every invitation
Family members talking too much about something you are not ready to share? Thinking of pre-planned phrases can help remove some of the anxiety. Some examples are:
“I appreciate what you have to say, however, I am not ready to talk about ____ , and thank you for understanding.”
“Excuse me, I need to go get a glass of water.”
Change the topic and ask questions unrelated to the topic of grief
When setting boundaries, I like to emphasize that doing so can feel uncomfortable as it may be a new experience. However, it is important for you to be able to establish guidelines for others to know what you need and for you to enforce these boundaries.
Honor old or make new traditions
You may feel like you want to press fast forward through the holidays. But, the holidays can be a time to refocus. It can be painful to think about old traditions you enjoyed with a loved one, but you can use the holidays to make these traditions, or new ones your own. For example, was there a favorite dessert your father always made? You may miss the smell of the pie during the holidays and sharing memories of your dad around the dinner table with other family members may help everyone connect. On the other hand, if the thought of making the pie is too painful, other examples could be keeping an open seat at the dinner table, watching his favorite movie or any other tradition you can think of.
Determine when and who you can ask for support
Although you can’t always control the feelings that will arise, you can control knowing who can support you. Is there a friend you know you can talk to? Can you make an additional appointment with your therapist leading up to the holidays? Do you have the numbers in your phone for support hotlines in case of emergency? By having some of these contacts determined ahead of time, you can feel supported at the holidays and year round.
Practice self-care
Self-care can reduce feelings of stress, anxiety, depression and improve overall mental well being. The holidays can interrupt many of the routines we have been practicing (or trying to) for months now. Whether you are working longer hours to get things done before the end of Q4, or traveling to see family, self-care can be put on the back burner. When self-care goes to the wayside, more intense feelings of grief may occur as self-care is a mechanism used to help maintain balance. It is important to still have a self-care routine even if it looks slightly different than the rest of the year. Some examples of simple self care practices may include:
Five minute journal-writing for 5 minutes in the morning or evening (check out our grief and loss writing prompts for some writing inspiration)
Listening to a calming podcast or app before bed as opposed to watching TV or being on your phone
Move your body: the body can hold a lot of tension. Do some stretches in between meetings or go for a walk
4. Hydrate
5. Take a shower and pay attention to the sound, feeling, and temperature of the water to further the experience
There are many examples of self-care techniques and finding ones that are supportive for you individually and your grieving process is important. For more self care ideas check out our self care at the holidays blog.
Grief is not linear. It can be complicated and make itself known when least expected. By being in-tune with your needs and feelings, and recognizing your boundaries and practicing self-care, the holidays may seem a bit more manageable!
