How to Use Positive Reinforcement to Improve Behavior in Kids
Author: Savannah Wagner Belk
If every parent had a quarter for each time they said “no” or “don’t” to their child, they would be rich. According to research however, there are more effective ways to manage problematic behavior. Easier said than done, but it starts with regulating yourself as the parent before you try to discipline your child. Helping your child regulate their emotions by modeling how to calm down (e.g. taking deep breaths together) before you try and teach your child a lesson sets you up for success. Shifting the tone from criticism will prevent the child from feeling shame for making a mistake, and allow you to connect more with what your child is needing. Behind every big feeling for a child is a need they are trying to express but might be going about it the wrong way.
Positive reinforcement refers to pairing a stimulus with a response (i.e. a reward for desired behavior). For example, if you want your child to get up earlier to avoid rushing out the door in the morning, you can agree on a reward for getting up on time. For some kids this might be a “breakfast upgrade”, like waffles, but for other kids it might be going to their favorite park after school. Ideally the more immediate the reward, the better. Positive reinforcement is much more effective than negative reinforcement. Sometimes taking away a privilege is necessary, but only temporarily and if the child understands why. When you’re dealing with a teen, you want to make the rewards and consequences as collaborative as possible. Also, rewards should be consistent, clear, and the expectations need to be highlighted beforehand so everyone is on the same page. This system works best for kids who are 5 and up. It takes time for the child to learn these new rules and associations if you haven’t experimented with this approach before.
Now let’s talk about praise. Utilizing praise is a great tool to incentivize the behavior you want to see more of. The key to praising effectively is to be as specific as possible, and doing it as soon as you see the positive behavior. The key is to focus on what they are doing at the moment. For example, if you witness your child playing kindly with their sibling or a friend you can say “I love how kindly and safely you are playing with your brother. It’s really thoughtful of you to share your toys with him”. This kind of attention lets the child know exactly what they are doing well. The problem with reducing praise to “good job”, is that it isn’t clear enough for young kids.
We also want to be careful to not tie the praise to making mom or dad happy. This could create an association between needing to do “xyz” behavior to gain the parent’s approval, love, or affection. Focus the praise on the behavior itself. Lastly, when you are seeing behavior you don’t want to see, redirect the focus on what you want them to do instead. Try to lead less with “don’t” or “stop” and be firm and brief with your redirection, (e.g. I need you to get off the table. It’s not safe to stand on furniture”). When you give the negative behavior too much attention, it can create an association between that behavior and the attention. Some behaviors have natural consequences too. However, if your child does not listen to your calm and firm redirection then it might be appropriate to warn them of a consequence (taking away a toy or lack of reward for not listening to parents).
To quote psychologist Gabriel Mate, “The key is to learn how to not give the child the attention they are asking for, but the attention the child needs”. He says that compassionate curiosity can help parents give their children the attention they need even when they aren’t asking for it.
