The Gratitude Cry
Author: Sarah Murray
“Vulnerability is not a weakness, a passing indisposition, or something we can arrange to do without, vulnerability is not a choice, vulnerability is the underlying, ever present and abiding undercurrent of our natural state. To run from vulnerability is to run from the essence of our nature, the attempt to be invulnerable is the vain attempt to become something we are not and most especially, to close off our understanding of the grief of others. More seriously, in refusing our vulnerability we refuse the help needed at every turn of our existence and immobilize the essential, tidal and conversational foundations of our identity.” - David Whyte, Irish Poet
When talking to a family member recently, I started to cry. She asked, “Why are you sad?” and I told her that I’m not crying because I’m sad. I’m crying because I am overwhelmingly grateful. I was sharing with her the gratitude I was feeling about one of my best friends. It was gratitude that came from pain. When my best friend and I lost someone close to us, we dealt with the death in very different ways. Eventually, we needed to grieve or heal our separate ways. We went from speaking everyday and showing care and love to painfully becoming completely silent from one another for years. It was grief, time and healing that brought us back together now. It feels like no time has passed between us and our love for the person we lost is actually now what deepens our understanding and love for one another. Although we grieve in very different ways and we may see life a bit different from one another, it is the unspoken shared bond we share from what we have experienced together that binds us. I missed my friend that had my back no matter what. I missed my friend that wanted the best for me no matter what. I missed my friend that loves me as deeply and passionately as I love. I even realized that it wasn’t just her that I missed. I missed her family. I missed seeing her parents' love for each other. I missed her sister's dry sense of humor. I missed her mothers genuine hugs and deep conversations. I am immensely grateful to see our friendship grow as she grows her own family — pregnant for the first time. I am grateful to be a part of it and to one day meet this beautiful child who will call me “Auntie Sarah.” We will tell him all about the love we lost and the love that brought us back together.
The gratitude I felt led me to cry. Have you ever had a happy or gratitude cry? It is a very normal response. Crying can restore the body and mind as it activates your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) which become the ultimate signals to self-soothe or in this case, name the happiness you’re feeling or the pain that led to such immense gratitude. After this release, you can become more attune to what your body and mind needs as PNS shifts yourself toward rest and recovery or emotional regulation. With this process, you can become more aware of yourself, your story and your needs. Gratitude can look like a cry and inner wisdom starts with tears.
The Power of Gratitude
Even before we may have come to an understanding of ourselves through our pain, we can always practice gratitude. Gratitude has been shown to have immense health benefits. When a cognitive behavioral (CBT) therapist or clinician advises practicing gratitude by maybe starting a gratitude journal, keep in mind this is not an act to “be cheesy” or “force positivity” but rather a way to simply notice, become more present and aware which can promote these greater health benefits:
It can reduce anxiety and stress
It can reduce depression (Iodice et al. 2021)
It can improve sleep
It can support heart health (Jans-Beken et al., 2019)
It is also important that we recognize that true gratitude and empathy requires vulnerability. Brene Brown, a renowned vulnerability researcher and social worker shares why being vulnerable is so important:
Brown’s research on vulnerability shows that “connection is why we’re here” and neurobiologically how we’re wired. She names that the “fear of disconnection is fear and shame” to be seen or heard. She found that those that have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of it and that those that were able to be vulnerable were those that had the courage to share their story with their whole heart or those that live wholeheartedly with compassion for self and others. Imagine what it would be like to fully embrace being vulnerable and to see that it was beautiful and essential for deeper connection. While vulnerability is where shame and fear lives, it is also “the birthplace of joy and creativity.” Instead of numbing our vulnerability, we need to try and find our courage to be vulnerable or surround ourselves with those that embrace this and invite this in.
Here are some ways to slowly start being vulnerable:
Letting go of perfectionism/allowing yourself to be imperfect
Seeing flaws as normal and sometimes a strength
Telling a friend you care about them
Journaling the positive things you noticed in your day
Doing something creative like painting, drawing or writing
Complimenting or helping a stranger
Choosing a safe and trusted person to start telling your story to
Remember that without the courage to be vulnerable, we cannot make our way to feeling this immense gratitude. The most wonderful thing about gratitude is that it is expansive and a feeling that brings you closer to the present moment with yourself and others.