Spotlight Interview: Ashli Bastiao, LMFT
Asasia: To start, tell me about what led you to becoming a therapist?
Ashli: We [therapists] tend to all be wounded warriors in some way! I think what really inspired me was my personal work and a natural curiosity in relationships. I tended to be the friend that everyone talked to about their relationships and their hardships and I didn’t share a lot about me. I’ve always loved being a listener.
I took all of the interpersonal classes that I could in college but I didn't know what a therapist was and I didn’t know it was a career or a thing you could do. I came from a pretty mental health stigma-ed community. I started my career in PR, hated most of it, and continued to be the listener in lots of my friendships and got myself into some crummy personal relationships, ironically. I found myself in a pretty dark space and sought out my own personal therapy. I was lucky that the first person I spoke to really clicked with me and it was the beginning of my transition into this career.
I was pretty shut down, very clinically depressed. It was both a relief to be in a room with someone and also terrifying. It was very slow work. But it was transformative work. And it was all about the relationship. I had all the tools, I would go in week after week and she would give me these tools and I would say, ‘yeah I’ll do them’ and I never did them. And it was literally the relationship that changed the trajectory of my life. To be in a room with someone who made me feel seen and heard and allowed me to think in a way that I kept very suppressed was so freeing and comforting. After 3 years of therapy, I finally decided that I was passionate enough to consider going back to school and I’d give it a try. So I did that, and I haven’t looked back since. I think it’s actually my soul’s work.
Asasia: Thank you for sharing that, it’s really meaningful to witness your story. I agree with you, although we all have slightly different stories many of us therapists have a similar path of getting here. You just described how personal the path has been to becoming a therapist. What has informed your approach and style as a therapist?
Ashli: I am extensively trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) through my graduate program, so I tend to use that as my side dish in my approach, but I’m passionately psychodynamic. I always gravitated towards approaches that are very relational, family-of-origin-based, attachment based, really wanting to process our wounds and the parts of us that tend to get trampled over. I tend to really love that kind of work, probably because of my own personal work. To be able to heal the parts of us that have worked so hard to keep us alive and give them permission to rest so that we can move on and tend to ourselves in a healthier way is magic.
Homework and skills, these kinds of activities that challenge our thoughts and get us to practice the work are pivotal. They enhance our experience and then catapult the change. But without the space to talk about scary things and sort of unleash the shame, hurt, anger and pain, the homework is not as transformative as the two together.
Asasia: What would you say are your specialities and the types of people you tend to work with?
Ashli: I love working with young adults, sort of that quarter life crisis of ‘what the heck do I do now?’. Recently as a new mom, I love working with other new moms. I probably will be seeking more training in that area. I think it’s another part of some people’s lives that goes very isolated. Women-identified, 30-40 somethings tend to be another really sweet spot because that’s another transformation that tends to get overlooked.
I think where I’m going with this is life transitions. I’m really passionate about these because they can challenge our relationships and cultivate isolation, which is counter to who we are as humans. So undoing the shame, witnessing somebody’s hardship, can be transformative.
Depression and anxiety are comfortable diagnoses for me. Attachment work brings me to my more psychodynamic work. I love family-of-origin, and working to rebuild the wounded self.
Asasia: It sounds to me like all of these life transition moments and obviously the family-of-origin work, these are kind of identity transitions. That’s what makes them so challenging for people.
Ashli: I think that’s a great way to describe it. These chapters can rupture our relationships, both with ourselves and others, and cause immense pain. In busting them open, we get the chance to transform into something better and more in line with who we’ve become. We get to rebrand ourselves and that is what frees us from our suffering.
Asasia: Do you have a favorite part of being a therapist?
Ashli: Truly getting to witness people in their rawest form. The power of trust in the therapeutic experience is a special place. Quite honestly, laughing with my clients is so healing. I love being able to be human with them. Yes, normalizing pain, witnessing vulnerability, and doing all the things but then I think it can be really pivotal to just be another human in the room (or on the screen) and laugh together.
Asasia: Is there anybody who has inspired you along the way?
Ashli: It’s probably a no-brainer, given the first question, my therapist. She’s been such a mentor to me. She’s re-parented me, she’s re-relationshipped me, she’s been my big sister, my little sister, she’s just done such a phenomenal job giving me space to be authentic.
Asasia: She sounds legendary, she sounds so incredible.
Ashli: She is! It hasn’t always been roses, though. I’ve gotten mad at her and I’ve actually quit a few times. Then I go back and I say, ‘yeah you were right, here I am, let’s do some more.’ It’s my wish for everyone to find that match.
Asasia: What is one thing that’s important for anyone to know?
Ashli: I want people to know that it’s often more about the process and less about the content, although still important, and that can be really hard to get into. It’s what we allow ourselves to feel while trying to figure out our next steps. We’re works in progress! I think many of us go into therapy and think we’re going to learn all the tools and the things that are going to fix us forever. And for better or worse, that’s just not true. We acquire tools to help us manage the pain and the ups and downs and yes, we can experience more freedom and relief with our tools and approaches because we can improve the way that we engage in that pain and hardship, while healing our past selves. But when we begin to use therapy as a way to avoid or never experience pain again, I think that can really set us up to hate the therapeutic process because it can let us down.
That pain and hardship is inevitable and what therapy does is it allows us to dance with it a little more easily through our healing. We have to renew our commitment to our mental health and our wellness almost every day. We have to say, okay let’s see what today brings and how I’m going to use my tools to manage getting through it. Every day we re-commit. A previous supervisor/mentor shared that with me and it has shifted the way I practice compassion with myself on a daily basis.
Asasia: What books or podcasts or other media do you recommend?
Ashli: They’re oldies but goodies. I think a lot of where I start with clients is around acceptance and compassion with themselves, so I actually tend to recommend Tara Brach. She wrote Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha and Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN. She has daily meditations and daily talks that I’m always recommending. Her books are just so approachable and real-life.
Another is Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart. It’s a really remarkable book for people who are looking for a partner in their depression and anxiety to help them sit through and tolerate what that stuff brings on a daily basis.
Lately, the documentary Stutz with Jonah Hill and Dr. Stutz. I’ve been using that a lot, it’s been so accessible to clients, they’ve really been able to take Dr. Stutz’s drawings, and the terminology and metaphors that he uses are so powerful. That’s been a really good one.
Asasia: What’s an important social issue to you?
Ashli: I think it’s important to speak to diversity and inclusion as a white woman-identified therapist. I think that it’s important for me to talk about how this shows up in the therapy room/screen and that it’s my responsibility to reflect on my biases. I have to allow for space to discuss how our differences could impact our work together. If they don’t, fine, but to acknowledge where my errors have shown up or where I’ve made a mistake is really important in this healing work and in my relationship with my clients.
To read more about Ashli, click here for her full bio!
