Not Out This Holiday Season? That’s Ok.

Author: Valerie Hoagland

Families, and hence holidays, are complicated. And for members of the LGBTQIA+ community, they can feel uniquely disempowering and lonely.

Many are unable to or have chosen not to spend the holiday season with their families of origin. Those who have been outed or have disclosed a facet of their identity—only to become estranged from their family—often go on to do the brave and vulnerable work of building a new, more validating, network of support. This is the lived experience of so many community members. And it shows us all that it’s possible to find companionship, joy, and self-love on the other side of isolation, unease, and self-loathing.

But the spectrum of coming-out narratives, family experiences, and holiday interactions is just as diverse as the community itself. Many of us make different choices and have different privileges. We choose not to, or are unable to, come out to people whose knowledge of our identities might threaten our safety and security. We choose to maintain a connection to family, even when that family might not know or accept our most authentic selves. We operate in in-between spaces. We are out to some and not others.

And that’s ok.

How, then, do we navigate that in-between space? How do we make it through the holidays?

1. Know that the weight of disclosing—or not disclosing—your identity does not fall entirely upon your shoulders.

I have often heard in my work with clients (and in my own lived experiences) a rhetoric that invalidates LGBTQIA+ people who are not “fully” out. The messaging can be quite clear: if you have not yet “stepped out of the closet” and revealed your full self to every single person in this world (family who might disown you, an employer that might fire you, a landlord that might threaten your housing) then you are not brave. You are not courageous. You are “not really out.” In my professional opinion: $%*& that.

Jacob Tobia, author of Sissy: A Coming of Gender Story, observes that “When a person hides in The Closet, we act as if it is their responsibility to come out.” As an alternative, Tobia offers a new metaphor, one that acknowledges our beauty, our fragility, and our resiliency. Perhaps we are not people coming out of the closet but rather garden snails coming out of our shells:

“When a snail hides in its shell, we don’t delegate responsibility the same way. A snail only hides in its shell because the world outside feels hostile. If a snail recoils at the sight of you, it’s not because the snail is cowardly or lying or deviant or withholding, it’s because you’ve scared it. When queer people hide our identities, it’s not because we are cowardly or lying or deviant or withholding, it’s because the world and people around us felt predatory; because someone scared us—intentionally or unintentionally—and we were trying to protect ourselves.”

You didn’t choose to enter a world that others you. You’re doing the best you can.

2. Remember that self-care is not selfish.

If we are but humble garden snails doing our best not to get squished or be shattered, we must then be gentle with ourselves, especially during the holidays.

Self-care is a term you might have heard before, but it’s not all bubble baths and meditation apps (though those are certainly quite lovely!). It’s showing up for yourself; it’s tapping into your resilience; it’s remembering that it’s only fair to ask a rested, honored, and soothed person to do the work of being present for themselves and for others.  

As you enter this holiday season, do yourself a self-care favor: plan for how you’ll be gentle with yourself before you’re in the thick of a week-long family stay. Find friends that you can text when things feel hard. Take your therapist up on that offer of extra support. Read up on empowering LGBTQIA+ figures in history and re-energize your pride as a member of this community. Let yourself feel your feelings. Remember that other people’s negativity or ignorance doesn’t have to be your truth.

3. Know your boundaries and show love and respect to yourself by honoring them.

Boundaries are scary. They are also so, so important.

Many of us don’t get a good education in boundary setting. We’re told to hug a relative even when physical touch feels uncomfortable to us. We’re taught that saying “no” is rude and that it will isolate us from our social networks or threaten our job security. We’re told that assertively stating our own needs is skirting our responsibility to take care of and be gentle with others.

But just like with self-care, our relationships with others are actually strengthened when we assert boundaries and respect the boundaries of others. When we are respected by and respecting others, we can develop the clarity to see where we end and someone else begins. This helps us to reduce blame and criticism, to open ourselves up to authentic intimacy, and to avoid blow-ups at the holiday dinner table that leave us feeling even more frustrated and emotionally exhausted than when we started.

You can set physical and temporal boundaries by removing yourself from a situation or by planning ahead for restorative time with yourself: get some air, take yourself out for a cup of coffee, read something juicy, have a nap, take that bubble bath!

You can set intellectual boundaries by knowing what topics you don’t want to engage in over the holidays and deciding whether you’d like to state your discomfort with the topic directly or get away for a moment to get some space and practice mindful breathing.

And you can set emotional boundaries by choosing what you share about yourself, how you share it, and with whom.

The Takeaway:

There is no one “right” way to navigate the holidays or to live within the LGBTQIA+ community. There is no one “right” way to feel, no one “right” way to set boundaries, no one “right” way to practice self-care. Your choices are yours. You are valid. You are enough. You’ve got this.

References:

Singh, Anneliese (2018). The queer & transgender resilience workbook: Skills for navigating sexual orientation & gender expression. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Tobia, Jacob (2019). Sissy: A coming-of-gender story. New York, NY: G. P. Putnam’s Sons.