How am I Supposed to Grieve?
Author: Asasia Richardson
It’s no secret that the COVID-19 pandemic has changed how we gather and move through our lives. 2020 has brought a variety of challenges; you may have been unable to see your loved ones in person, had limited access to the activities and hobbies you love, and also faced numerous other stressors like job loss, a tight presidential election, an onslaught of violence against Black people, and of course, the threat of COVID-19 itself. To put it simply, 2020 has been a hard year—and there is no right way to grieve.
With everything else we have had to endure this year, life has not stopped. Whether you have been grieving the loss of a loved one or experienced ambivalent loss missing your former life, the added stress, worry, and constant adjusting to the ‘new normal’ has been difficult. Grieving has become an even harder experience for those who have lost loved ones this year. The support, rituals, traditions, and coping skills that one used to help grieve may have looked very different this year. What someone was able to do to grieve was largely limited in an effort to protect our collective safety. Below are some suggestions for how you can introduce alternative rituals for grieving loved ones, as well as how to cope with all forms of loss during this time.
Alternate Rituals
Rituals are an important part of the grieving process. Rituals can be an opportunity to gather with those we love, share in supporting one another, express our grief and pain, and acknowledge the loved one we have lost. Here are some alternate ritual ideas to honor your loved one:
Gather virtually
While you may choose to skip a traditional funeral or memorial service over a platform like Zoom, that doesn’t mean that you can’t still gather as a group to share space with one another. Setting up a time to come together on video can be an opportunity to share fond memories of the person you lost, support one another collectively, and regain a sense of community and family despite the physical distance. Having this space to do so gives you time to acknowledge your loved one.
2. Create a collaborative web page
Many find it helpful to write messages to a loved one with memories of happy times, notes of forgiveness, etc. Sharing stories as well as old pictures can also be therapeutic. Creating a web page where anyone can contribute is a great way to develop a virtual space in which family and friends can share their own memories, as well as look at what others have shared. This can be done on a memorialized Facebook page, a shared google drive, and if you’re really tech-savvy, an actual website. You can also make the space feel safer by limiting the number of people you invite or the content you want shared.
3. Do a solitary ritual in remembrance
Sometimes we want to take time to remember and pay respect to our loved one alone. Everyone has a different comfort level, and depending on the relationship shared with the person who passed it is important to recognize what feels comfortable for you. You may listen to music that reminds you of them, watch a movie or TV show that they loved, do an activity they enjoyed, write them a letter, or simply light a candle in their memory. There is no wrong way to grieve, and setting some time aside to think about your loved one can be a powerful way to cope with your loss.
Coping with Grief in the Time of COVID:
Coping with loss and the overlapping stressors may look different now, but there are still ways you can cope with these feelings and move through the grieving process. Many people have also felt the ambivalent loss of life before COVID and this is also an experience of grief. Some ways to cope with grief in the time of COVID whether it is a loss of a loved one or the ambivalent loss:
Acknowledge that this is a weird time
Life can be hard anyway, , but we are also living through an ongoing global health pandemic that has turned just about every part of life upside down. As a result, you might feel that dealing with your loss is much harder than it “should” be. This is normal! Give yourself grace as you struggle to adapt in a time when you have already had to adapt in many other ways.
2. Limit your social media
For many reasons, social media might be difficult after the death of a loved one. Or when trying to find comfort in the unknown. Perhaps seeing others happy makes you feel sad, or those you follow online are posting reminders of your loved one that are difficult to see unexpectedly. Perhaps you are feeling angry when you see others gathering in groups when you have decided to forego a funeral for the safety of others. Regardless of your reasons, it’s okay to log out all together, or simply mute or unfollow those whose posts upset you. Limiting what you look at before bed can also reduce overall stress and anxiety about the state of the world. Giving yourself set times to check social media can help create a sense of control.
3. Give yourself permission to reflect, and take your time
We can often begin to reconsider our relationships or values in life when something tragic occurs. Complex or unresolved feelings may arise and you may not know how to express them. It’s okay to have these thoughts, rethink some of your relationships, or consider other life changes. You may not want to be impulsive, but instead be mindful of what you are thinking in order to make a choice you are sure about.