Navigating Going Home (or not!) For the Holidays

Nov 26

It’s hard to believe that the holiday season is upon us already. And while the holidays can bring immense joy they can also bring a lot of tense moments, exhaustion, and dread for many. Based on how 2020 has been so far, this holiday season will look different and can draw in those tense moments that might have not been there before. Whether it is dealing with going home or not going home due to the pandemic, the fear of what will be said around the dinner table, or the sadness that comes with not seeing family at all, it can all be overwhelming to deal with.

You may be feeling pressure from your family to travel home for the holidays, despite the rising cases of COVID. It is understandable for families to want everyone together over the holidays, however, we know that for many of us that is just not feasible this year.

If traveling via plane, train, or car is giving you extreme anxiety that you know won’t go away even once you make it to your family’s home, it is okay to say that you cannot come this year. Your family may not understand this decision and attempt to guilt you into coming. And when this happens, take a breath. It is easy to step into the people-pleasing mode, but don’t forget that your physical and mental health matter too. Setting the boundary that you are not comfortable going home for the holidays is okay.

Some ways you can communicate this to your family can look like:

“Thank you so much for the invitation, but I am just not comfortable traveling right now and want to make sure I don’t get anyone sick.”
“I’ve decided to stay home to keep everyone safe, I’ll really miss you guys this year!”
“I am not comfortable being around a lot of people during the pandemic, but look forward to seeing you all soon.”
“I’m really burnt out from this year, and would like to take some quiet time by myself this year.”

If your family is open to it, provide some alternatives for them. We all know a zoom call isn’t the same as our in-person holiday traditions, but the important piece is speaking with one another. Find something new to put the focus on rather than you not being there (i.e. having you and your family make a new special holiday dish for dinner and sharing it over your zoom call. Who knows, it might just get added into the holiday traditions for years to come!).

Missing out on your family holiday can bring about a lot of unwelcome emotions such as loneliness, sadness, guilt, and maybe jealousy towards those that can see theirs. Try to go easy on yourself, you are staying home for the right reasons. A great way to help balance those feelings is to proactively plan the day for yourself. That can look like:

Scheduling in things that bring you joy the day of. Whether that is lounging around watching your favorite movies, or cooking your favorite meal. Do whatever your thing is that will allow you time to relax and feel good.
Proactively deleting your social media apps for the day. If seeing pictures of others with their family is going to trigger you to feel even more lonely or jealous it’s not a bad idea to take a break from social media.

If you are going to your family’s house for the holidays, and that brings a lot of tension no matter the year, there are things you can do as well.

First, I suggest knowing your boundaries before you leave. For example what conversations are off-limits for you to engage in (politics, family gossip, who you’re dating) or what COVID precautions are you following (no hugging, only seeing immediate family). It is easier to lay it all out there prior to the gathering rather than working through damage control after all of your boundaries have been crossed and you feel hurt.

During your stay with your family carve out time for yourself. Get outside for a walk when you feel the tension or anger starting to rise. Removing yourself from the situation before it goes downhill can help you take a deep breath and recenter before continuing.

Remember that you know your family best. You can probably anticipate what dinner conversations will arise and what your triggers are with your family. Making a plan before arriving for how you can try setting those boundaries during tough conversations can take the uncertainty away.

Some ways to navigate the conversation can look like:

“I don’t feel comfortable talking about that right now. Can we change the topic?”
“I understand that we have different opinions on politics, can we find time later to discuss this one-on-one instead of during dinner?”
If you know these will only cause further issues, try directing the topic back to them. Ask about their job, hobbies, etc. Sometimes it’s the easiest way to shut down conversations about yourself.

All of these are acts of self-care and ways that you can put your mental health first. Self-care doesn’t have to look glamorous. It can look like staying for a few hours instead of a whole day, or asking for a task to complete that will keep you busy and out of gossip.

No matter what you decide to do for the holidays, having a support system to rely on is important. Schedule a therapy session for the week after you get back, or have your friends on speed dial for when you need that vent session. Navigating the holidays is stressful enough without a pandemic, and you don’t have to do it alone.

Colleen