Spirituality, Authenticity, and PRIDE: an Interview with Laura Stein
What inspired you to be a therapist?
I began my training as a clergyperson, a Jewish cantor, which is similar to a rabbi. While I was training to be a cantor, I felt that the spiritual work I was doing gave way to work that I felt was deeper and richer. I found myself wanting to do mental health work with people in addition to spiritual counseling, and that led me to want to pursue a career as a therapist!
What was that like for you to train to be a therapist with your clergy background?
Social Work School and my seminary, they had a lot in common. Both offer curriculum in social justice, helping people, repairing the world: all those themes were there. But in my seminary, everything was to be achieved through theology, abstract thinking, and praying. Praying...but never really knowing. Just trusting and waiting.
But in Social Work School, I was able to hang my hat on something—on clinical theories that have been tested and shown to work. There was data to back it up, i.e., how to make certain clinical interventions and when they’re effective. That was what I had been waiting for. So for me it was the perfect complement to what I had been doing. Social Work School was the best thing I ever did.
In keeping with this theme, what’s your favorite part about being a therapist?
My favorite part about being a therapist is when a client starts to see where the therapeutic change is happening in their lives. I really love being able to see the concrete ways in which people’s lives are improving. And I’ve seen that with clients. You know, it depends on the clients. It takes different amounts of time for different people, and there are certain circumstances that may or may not be in their control. But ultimately, people make progress. And, that makes me feel very hopeful.
Changing gears here, it’s June. It's that time of year. What does Pride mean to you?
Pride is so complicated... Do you mean the Pride March? The Pride March has become too corporate for me. There’s this saying that I love: “Nobody wanted to come when it was a protest. Now, everyone wants to come because it’s a party.” So I leave New York on Pride weekend. Pride is not for gay people anymore.
Go on...
Yea, it's fun. It's trendy. But I feel that the Pride Weekend is about making sure that allies are having a good time... And I know there are some people who say, "Well, the only way to make queer life more mainstream is if visible entities like corporations get onboard." But I don't think the trade off is worth it. Because ultimately it’s not authentic once it’s been co-opted. I think of Pride as a giant party meant to make straight and cis people feel comfortable, instead of queer people being able to celebrate the way that they want to...
You probably don't want to talk about my complaints. [laughter]. I can mention some positive things too
Well, I feel like you’re peeling back the dead layers of this to get at the essence of Pride. So what is the essence of Pride for you?
The essence of Pride is being able to live every single day the way that you want to. Period. It's about living every single day without having to ask for permission or apologies for who I am.
Pride is in my work, in my responsibility to others. Pride is in the way I effect positive change with the people in my life, even with family members and friends who haven't always been supportive. It's in my relationship with people who are interested in talking or learning about LGBTQ issues. My way of engaging is through education and advocacy, through modelling change for people. As I’ve grown, and as I’ve become more comfortable with my own identity, I’ve realized the value of constructive conversation. I try to bring people in one-on-one.
So the parade and the party, the Big Advocacy—that’s not who I am. I’m not comfortable with it. For me, being in situations with people and modelling for them what it looks like to be authentic and not to be closeted. I think that is very powerful. So that’s my relationship to Pride. That’s how I live proudly.
For those who don’t know, what’s so important about Pride?
Well, I don’t think it’s the responsibility of gay people or LGBTQ people teach non-LGBTQ people. It’s a big burden, and it’s not up to us to educate the world. At the same time, I think it’s actually a big privilege to be able to shape the conversation and to be able to influence the way people view the world. I think it’s important.
I think what's especially important is to be able to live authentically.
You don’t have to teach anybody; you don’t have to sit down and lecture anybody; you don’t have to have conversations that aren’t comfortable. I think a queer person has a lot of power just by modeling their identity and modeling what it means to live that identity authentically.
As queer folks, we have a lot of power to create space for people to become more understanding and compassionate and accepting. There’s a lot of power in not hiding, in taking up space in a way that’s secure and authentic.
It sounds like Pride is about modeling a kind of authenticity for everyone.
Non-queer people have a lot to learn from queer people. It isn’t just about queer understanding. Non-queer people can learn a lot of skills about compassion, listening, and courage--how to free themselves from convention in any area. It doesn’t just have to be about gender identity or sexual orientation. In various ways, the queer perspective can be freeing because it allows people to make choices that are right for them instead of choices that are right for society. I think the thing that’s so great about queerness is there’s not such thing as a default. So you don’t have to say that you’re deviating from a default norm by making a choice, because there’s no such thing. There’s just openness. So whatever choice you make gets added to the options.
We might be coming full circle here. It seems there's a parallel between queerness and the therapeutic endeavor. Both can be seen as models or spaces for people to privilege a kind of freedom to be, or to become who they are.
I talk about this with clients a lot. Clients who are just graduating from college, in particular—they’re still trying to feel out what they’re “allowed to do” in terms of differentiating themselves from their families and friends. But I'll ask all of my clients, "What are your values? What is it you'd like to accomplish?" And people don't always know what the options are, or they'll want to ask somebody else. So, we do a lot of skill-building. A lot of the work I do is about finding your own voice and moving away from the instinct to ask for permission.