The Wonders of Blending the Blended Family: Laura Goldstein on Resilience and 'Putting Differences Aside' During the Pandemic

Laura Goldstein and her blended family speaking with Oprah about their unique quarantine arrangement.

You've been having a fairly unique lockdown situation over the COVID-19 crisis.  What’s been happening?

I have spent the past three months living in a house in Vermont. Now I am in Main, living in a house with my husband, my two children, his two children, his ex-wife, and my ex-husband.  

His ex-wife and your ex-husband, you said.  What's that been like for you?

It's definitely been a journey.  A bit of an adventure...

I can imagine.  How did this happen??

Well, it all started on Friday, March 13...

Friday the 13th!

Yes, Friday the 13th.  My daughters were starting their spring break from school. They were supposed to fly out for a ski vacation with their father that day. Coronavirus took a big turn at that time, so we had to decide whether they would make the trip out, and how they would get back to New York afterward. There were a lot of unknowns at the time and we had to make the best decision for our family. 

We decided that my ex-husband, my girls' father, would take them to Vermont for the week.  Of course, the ski mountain ended up shutting down, but they were safely out of the city. And, they were still accessible by car, so we all felt a little more comfortable. 

Now, I also have two step-sons with my husband. Their mother, my husband's ex-wife, was very concerned as well and we all began to feel uncomfortable with the situation in New York. As the crisis was getting worse in the city, I wasn't sure that having my girls return to New York was the right decision at the time. So, we all came together and decided, "Let's just all leave New York together, so we can be with the kids."  It was a scary time.  

A scary time, and that's how you all got to Vermont?

That's right.  We all found a place to stay together. We emptied our food shelves before we left, and we packed our clothes for three weeks. Three weeks turned into four months and with the COVID crisis worsening, we have continued to prolong our stay.

And so, we all had to learn how to coexist!  We had to coexist—and co-parent—as a team.  Two sets of divorcées with our kids.  

Of course, you're well-trained as a psychotherapist, and you practice a lot of couples therapy.  Did you find yourself marshaling any of your clinical skills to negotiate this new situation?

I think about that every single day.  That my training not only informs how I help folks with couples therapy and individuals with their relationships—but it’s informing my own marriage!  So I really do appreciate that I'm bringing these skills into my own life as well. 

I never thought I'd have to apply them the way I have, managing two exes in a house, altogether, for four months and counting.  So I am very grateful that I've had this training.  It really pushes me to exercise these principles and skills as different situations arise.

You've made a career of talking the talk, but it seems you've been walking the walk and practicing what you've preached, clinically speaking, under these circumstances.

Absolutely, I'm living it.  It's one thing to advise people as best you can, but it's another thing to be doing it myself.  So I'm keeping myself very real and authentic.

Tell me about the communication.  Was it something that came organically, or has it been more a deliberate effort?

It's been intentional.  We have a group chat with the four adults.  And then we have a group chat with the adults plus our kids, where we make plans or decisions, like who's going to make dinner that night... Family meetings, basically.

We've done pretty well with that, keeping each other informed.  "I'm doing this today. Does anyone want to join?" or "Does anyone need anything at the store?"  We keep each other on top of the day-to-day things.

And then there was the time we had to leave our rental house in Vermont. It was time to go. So, we were sort of like a think tank: “What is our next move? What are our options?” 

I think there was a picture of us on Oprah.  Where the four adults—we were sitting at our kitchen table, figuring out the logistics of our next move…. deliberating.

You were on Oprah.  What was it like being on Oprah?!

Oh my gosh, we were freaking out.  We had to prepare a few hours before the show, so everyone woke up early that day.  We changed out of our typical quarantine attire, because we wanted to look our very best for Oprah. [laughter]

And then, you sit and you wait.  It was a wait room situation with the other guests, and we were on standby.  Her producers are telling you when you're going on the air... And, they warned us, they said "You may get on Oprah, and you may not.  Oprah has a script, but if she sees something interesting in the audience, she'll focus on that. So we don't know where it's going to go."  Oprah's a genius and she does what she wants to do, and she does it well.  

So we were apprehensive.  We thought, "Maybe we'll be on, maybe we won't be...But it really would be fun to meet her..." — and it was!!  We had a minute with Oprah, she took the piece in an interesting direction.  For us to wave to her and for her to see us, I think having a moment with Oprah is one of those things we'll never forget.  

You can't make this stuff up.  I keep telling myself that over quarantine, “You can’t make this stuff up.”  Who would have thought we would ever be on Oprah—let alone during COVID?  So it has been interesting [laughter].

Right, in addition to Oprah, you've gotten quite a bit of media attention.  What do you make of that?

Living through COVID-19 has been such an extreme experience for everyone.  It's been frightening and demoralizing at times, so I think there was an appetite out there for a human interest piece that some might see as inspirational.  Of course, I say that with humility.  The fact that we were two blended families coming together—that we were able to put our kids first and our differences aside—I think that piqued people's interest.  

Because, to be honest, it wasn't like we were good friends beforehand.  It wasn't like we were such good friends who came together, because we thought it would feel natural, or that we would make the shift seamlessly.  No, we had to do a lot of personal reflection and work and really focus on the priorities: It's about the kids. It's about survival.  It was very out of the box for us. 

Really, it’s a remarkable story.  Would you say it's been more a sitcom, or has it been a drama?

I would definitely say more sitcom.  Again, I keep telling myself, “You just can’t make this up.” [laughter]

I think what we’ve done is unique and we've been doing it since March.  We actually caravanned together to the next location.  So, it's working well enough that everyone is agreeing to keep doing it together.  I think that's probably part of the media interest as well.  How you can set differences aside if you really want to, or if you need to, for the most basic elements in our life - health. 

We're making it work because we care about our kids.  We all wanted to be with our kids.  We couldn't imagine it any other way.

Given what you've been through, do you think you’re more open to alternative living arrangements?  Might you start a new commune in the future?

I can't say that's the first time someone's asked us that. [laughter] 

But, I must say, I think some things will change.  One thing that's come into focus for us is the importance of celebrations.  

For example, my daughter recently finished eighth grade.  She was supposed to have a graduation, a special ceremony at school.  Of course, with COVID, the graduation went virtual, and the school put together a nice video over Zoom.  But if we had had the graduation in person, I would have wanted my husband's ex-wife, Denise, to be there. I would have fully wanted her to come and join.  

Celebrations have really brought us together, and we’ve had a lot of them. Denise’s birthday actually came up early in our quarantine, back in April.  And I think we were all surprised by how much energy it brought to the home—to just celebrate and make someone feel special. 

And now we've celebrated her birthday, my daughter's birthday, my daughter’s graduation, my ex-husband, Dan’s birthday.  And my stepson's birthday is next week.  Plus, we've had Mother's Day and Father's Day in the time we've been together.  A lot of celebrations.  So I think that we all feel it would be really nice to keep it going, once we go back to whatever life will look like in the future. We will all be celebrating these occasions together.  

Those have been very uplifting days for us, as a family coming together to celebrate the Dads and the Moms or the birthday person that day.  We really go all out with décor and all that fun stuff, because it's important to have something to enjoy that day, to have something to look forward to, and to make the person we're celebrating feel special.

That’s really lovely.

So I think that we will probably pay the tradition forward among our family.  Maybe a weekend vacation, here or there, once a year, maybe.  Again, not for five or six months at a time. [laughter]  But I think our traditions of celebrating really nice things—the birthdays and the graduations—I really do think that will continue.