5 Questions Inter-ethnic Couples Should Ask Before Getting Married

Apr 19

Communication in relationships is challenging enough while having a shared ethnic experience to rely on. Add into the mix falling in love with someone who has an entirely different background from your own and you might feel like you will never be on the same page. I too feel your joy and your pain for those of us in inter-ethnic relationships are tasked with even more layers to navigate when trying to blend our lives together.

According to Pew Research Center, intermarriage has increased among American adults from 3% in 1967 when miscegenation laws were overturned to 11% in 2019. Just this month, my husband and I were amazed at how frequently we saw other inter-ethnic couples walking around San Francisco. Just look at our Vice President Kamala Harris, a product of interracial love and in an inter-ethnic marriage of her own.

If you are a millennial or Gen Z, you might think conversations about race, ethnicity and culture with your spouse will be a piece of cake because we were brought up to be accepting of others that look different from us. We learned about holidays from a variety of religions, were told by our parents that differences should be celebrated, and currently watch shows like Bridgerton that feature main characters in interracial relationships.

My husband and I should have been pros at navigating this space; I grew up in a family where all of my cousins are multiracial, and my husband is the product of an interracial marriage. No big deal right?

WRONG. Conversations about race, ethnicity, and culture caused the most contention and emotional drainage early on in our relationship. Tired of arguing over different points of view, we tried to avoid them all together and focus on our similarities. Unfortunately, that is as misguided as the colorblind narrative they tried to spread in the 90’s.

The reality is these conversations can get sticky when you take them out of the theoretical classroom and put them right in your living room. While the best of us strive to be open-minded in relationships, we also feel the need to cling to our culture and community of origin when creating a new family because being seen, heard, and understood is paramount. When ethnicity is a strong part of our identity it can be difficult to negotiate how much of you and how much of them will be maintained or compromised. For this reason, being in an inter-ethnic relationship presents unique challenges that require intentional conversation to overcome. So here are my top 5 questions you can ask your partner to get the conversation started in a constructive way:

1. “When did you first become aware of your ethnicity? How do you experience being “X” on a daily basis?”

This question is aimed at helping each of you reflect on when ethnicity became part of your identity and how it shows up in your life on a daily basis. This might be a really difficult question for one partner and a super easy one for the other depending on whether they grew up in a homogenous setting or a diverse one. The question will shed light on whether their first experience with ethnic identity was positive or negative. This question will also encourage discussion around how your partner currently holds their cultural identity in mind. Is it something that they are confident about or question? Do they only think about it when they are around their family? Is it a topic of conversation in their friend group etc.? Maybe they don’t think about it because they don’t want to or don’t have to.

2. “What do you value about your cultural identity and how can we encourage and celebrate that?”

So often when we talk about culture in our couple, conversation focuses on the hardship that comes with one’s cultural identity, but what about the positive side? This question encourages each of you to reflect on what is special to you about your culture and how you want to share that with one another. It also opens up conversation regarding cultural values that you live by and want to share with your children if you choose to raise a family together. Is individualism, privacy, and independence paramount? Is respect for your elders something you hold dear? Do you appreciate your culture's value of discretion over unfiltered openness and honesty? Remember to be specific and explain how these values shape your behavior. This conversation will help you both gain insight around what is truly core to your partner’s cultural identity and cultivate adoration and fondness for cultural differences.

3. “How can I show you that I take your cultural experience seriously and value your point of view?”

This question will save both of you a lot of disappointment. In my experience, couples get into arguments around culture differences when one partner feels their experience is minimized or their partner doesn’t know how to respond when they express frustration, anger, or grief caused by cultural undertones. When you stay curious instead of critical of your partner’s experience their response will shift from “you don’t understand” which creates further distance to “thank you for listening, being supportive, and validating” which creates greater intimacy.

4. “What are you afraid I won’t understand about your cultural identity?”

Fear and defensiveness go hand in hand. By confronting head on what you are most afraid your partner will be judgmental of, you move out of protective mode and break down barriers to understanding. When your partner isn’t aware of your triggers, they can accuse you of overreacting which makes you feel dismissed and/or rejected. Instead, let them into the deepest, darkest part of your cultural identity that brings up trauma, shame, and insecurities. This will help them replace problematic assumptions with compassion which is what you are really looking for.

5. “What are your expectations and the expectations of your family around continuing traditions, holidays etc. and participation in these events?”

This question seems trivial at first glance, but these aspects of culture are symbolic, and symbols have a lot of meaning packed into them. Oftentimes we assume our partner will participate in all of the cultural holidays, traditions, and festivities we do with our families because they have enjoyed them in the past. But time, energy, financial resources, conflicting holidays, and shifting generational norms will force many couples to make tough choices. What’s important in this conversation is prioritizing and thinking about where you and your family's expectations might differ. So many snafus occur when one partner is swayed at the last minute by familial pressure which creates tension between spouses and in-laws. Instead, make sure you go into your marriage on the same page about participation in these events and present a united front. Additionally, prepare to have this conversation at least once a year to provide room for reevaluation as circumstances change. Maybe your son’s basketball practice this year interferes with Shabbat dinner on Fridays or the passing of a parent makes you value gathering for Diwali more. It’s okay for your level of participation to change as long as you talk about it in advance and don’t make assumptions.

*BONUS QUESTION: For those of you who are thinking about raising children together, How and when do you want to introduce the concept of race to our children? What do you think our reaction should be if they encounter prejudice?

Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge that your child may have a very different ethnic identity or experience than either of you had. Secondly, that you may or may not be the first people to introduce them to the concept of race. It can be hard to accept each of these truths. Use this question to remember how your parents approached the conversation if there was one at all. Most importantly, brainstorm what you want your children to get out of the conversation or what message you want them to walk away with. Last but not least, role play with different situations you think your children could experience and how you and your partner would handle them. That way you have a plan if and when it occurs.

I hope these questions will help you initiate conversations that you want to have but maybe we're unsure where to begin. Overall, remember intention is everything. When asking these questions try to do so in a warm and loving way so your partner feels safe talking about a topic that has deep roots. And know that this will be an ongoing conversation throughout the journey of your relationship. The important thing is to lean into discussing your differences rather than shying away from them.

Leigh