What to Know About Coping with Pregnancy Loss

May 26

May is Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month worldwide and of course we are acknowledging maternal mental health here at A Good Place Therapy. I work with several clients who experience maternal mental health issues and I see first hand how supportive and targeted therapy is so important to this population. There are many components to maternal mental health including struggles with infertility, prenatal and perinatal mental health, and postpartum mood disorders. Maternal mental health is also certainly affected by the loss of a pregnancy and can negatively impact a woman’s mood including symptoms like loss of interest in activities, hopelessness, crying spells, inability to focus, etc. Below are some suggestions on how to cope with pregnancy loss and the associated trauma.

Don’t blame yourself.

Let’s start here: this is not your fault. Several of my clients can’t help but think there is something wrong with them, their body, or their choices after experiencing the loss of a pregnancy or a baby. This experience can bring on a feeling of being defective or not good enough. An estimated 10-20% of known pregnancies end with miscarriage, and about 1 in 160 births are a stillbirth. Pregnancy loss is sadly common, and not your fault.

Awareness of this issue has increased as many people in the spotlight have come forward in the last few years to break the stigma surrounding miscarriages and pregnancy loss, including stillbirths. Most recently, Britney Spears shared the news of her miscarriage shortly after announcing her pregnancy with her fiancé Sam Asghari to the world. In 2020, Chrissy Teigen publicized her loss of her third child to premature labor. As these two examples show, pregnancy loss does not discriminate. No matter cultural background or social status, pregnancy loss is real and affects people from every background. I try to work with clients to acknowledge their grief/loss and pain, but to also recognize they are not alone in these experiences.

2. Trauma

Pregnancy loss can be a traumatic experience. Trauma impacts the brain and our processing, making it difficult to adapt to life afterwards. Trauma may affect how our nervous system knows how to respond to stressful situations, causing hyperarousal or heightened worry. Trauma may also contribute to reactions such as increased depression or intrusive memories. These experiences can feel overwhelming and may then lead to isolation.

In addition, oftentimes after experiencing pregnancy preterm labor loss, people are extremely anxious. Health anxiety increases and even if pregnant again, the fear of future loss remains. As a therapist, I work with clients to cope with this anxiety through the practice of staying present and practicing mindfulness. This includes staying in the moment with techniques to increase distress tolerance, such as work with the 5 senses and calming physical stress responses, DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) skills, deep breathing, and CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) for automatic negative thoughts focused on this anxiety and fear. If you are dealing with some of the challenges mentioned here, I recommend seeking a therapist who can work with you on these skills and techniques mentioned.

3. Letting go of control

Pregnancy challenges your ability to let go of control. In modern times, it's easy to control most aspects of our lives. However, health can only be influenced, not controlled. When dealing with the stress of lacking control over the larger picture and health, I like to ask my clients what they are able to control in their lives to increase feelings of autonomy. Some examples are creating routine, practicing self care, joining a support group, staying informed and advocating for your own healthcare with your OB/GYN. We have control over our actions, but in regards to pregnancy, we must practice acceptance about the inability to control outcomes. Radical acceptance, or the understanding and acceptance of what cannot be changed without judgment of this reality, can be key.

4. Self Compassion

Lastly, the very most important component of getting through pregnancy loss is not to define your whole being by it. This kind of loss can feel all-consuming, and combatting this involves self compassion, which is the essence of most healing from trauma and loss. Self compassion is the practice of treating yourself as you would a dear friend or someone you love and care deeply about, through self-kindness and understanding. The practice of self compassion is very important for mental health, as it is tied to emotion regulation skills and self-soothing.

If you are coping with pregnancy loss, it is already a difficult situation to endure, so speaking to yourself lovingly and engaging in nurturing self-care is key. This loss is painful as it is, and although it is common to beat yourself up or judge yourself, it is also unhelpful. I encourage you to be extra kind and gentle to yourself, just as you would to someone you love, even if it means setting boundaries with others or avoiding triggering events (such as baby showers, etc.) Grief and loss are challenging, and you deserve the time, nurturing, and kindness you need to heal.

Amy