Avoidance 101: A Guide to Navigating Your Least Favorite Task
Author: Sarita Gulati
“I’ll get to that thing I’ve been meaning to do for forever… tomorrow.”
Sound familiar? This is a common thought that occurs when we engage in avoidance.
Say that you strive to be a good employee, but find it difficult to respond to emails in a timely manner. Perhaps you deeply value your relationship with your partner, but the thought of calling out their one bothersome behavior puts you on edge. Maybe you’d like to stay on top of your finances more, but even the mundane task of checking your bank account becomes an anxiety-inducing saga, leading to procrastination and late credit card payments.
If any of these examples strike a chord with you, you may be caught in an avoidant pattern. Avoidance may feel helpful to us in the moment, but we often engage in these behaviors at the expense of our own goals. Without the knowledge of when and why we fall into avoidance, we can become resentful of others, critical of ourselves, and feel unable to make changes.
What is avoidance?
Avoidance is a behavioral pattern and coping mechanism that involves steering clear of situations, thoughts, feelings, and emotions causing stress or discomfort. You may have heard of the avoidant attachment style, in which avoidance shows up in a relational context. However, most individuals will engage in avoidant patterns at some point in their lives.
Avoidance can actually be healthy in doses. We need it as a skill to compartmentalize for our own safety. It’s what allows us, for example, to focus on the road when we’re emotionally activated but need to make it home safely. That said, using avoidance to fully disengage from feelings, emotions, and conflict can interfere with an individual’s ability to reach their goals and live in accordance with their values.
So why do we avoid?
It can be easy to shame ourselves when we aren’t behaving in line with our wants and desires. However, avoidance is very much wired into our biology. Our brains often perceive stress, discomfort, or vulnerability as a threat, and avoidance kicks in to help us cope and keep us safe—often unconsciously. Although avoidance can be frustrating to deal with, recognizing the ways the body wants to protect us can also be a beautiful thing.
Tips for identifying and addressing avoidance
The below tips can help you identify when avoidance may be occurring and take steps to combat the urge to avoid:
Cultivate self-awareness. Begin to notice when you feel the urge to engage in avoidance, and identify any triggers or underlying emotions that may be prompting this. Unworthiness, shame, and fear of rejection can be common feelings that lead to avoidance. Recognizing these patterns can be a helpful starting point to begin witnessing our discomfort and anxiety without judgment.
Get grounded. Practicing mindfulness and engaging the senses, such as using a body scan or guided visualization, can help to manage anxious responses.
Start small. Setting big goals, such as leaping from no exercise to working out every day, can kick up discomfort and reinforce our tendency to avoid. Setting smaller goals can feel more manageable and allows us to show our bodies and minds that we can remain safe when we challenge uncomfortable situations. Over time, we can increase these goals until we get where we want to be.
Build your toolkit. Working to change avoidant behaviors is no easy feat, especially if we’ve been practicing them for years. Developing healthy coping strategies can help manage the stress and anxiety that comes with facing fear or discomfort. Some examples of strategies include deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, journaling, and connecting with loved ones.
Lean towards the hard – not away. If you’re feeling anxious or uncomfortable about a particular situation or task, sometimes the most effective thing to do is to jump right in. This concept may be introduced by a therapist as exposure or behavioral activation. It might look like having that tough conversation you’ve been putting off or completing that task that has been on your to-do list for months.
Work with a pro. Seeking therapeutic support can help to establish safety and accountability when addressing difficult thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
In the journey to break free from avoidant patterns, patience and self-compassion are key. By facing discomfort and embracing change, we free up mental and emotional space to create a more fulfilling life.