6 Signs You’re Not Processing Your Grief and How to Cope

Author: Sarah Murray

Loss is incredibly universal yet a profoundly personal experience. Much like trauma, grief is something that stays with us both in our bodies and our subconscious. If we do not find ways to explore and release these deep and painful emotions, they will find a way out that can create a divide or disconnect from our awareness, our self compassion, our most authentic self and our authentic connections with others. The longer emotions are repressed or suppressed, the more complex or prolonged our response to loss can be. Oftentimes, if we do not find healthy releases for grief or trauma, we will turn to numbing, self destructive or addictive behaviors. 

It is a common misconception that people go through the five stages of grief in order. The five stages of grief model (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) was founded by renowned grief expert and psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and it is important to acknowledge that this model is nonlinear. We could feel anger one day and sadness the next.

There is no timeline to our grief. It is also important to acknowledge the wide spectrum of emotions and the ambivalence that comes with grief. We can feel anger toward our loved ones that died and still love and miss them. There are a lot of dialectic and ambivalent emotions in our grief we often do not normalize. Grief is much more complex than five stages and this could also be why we often ignore this process. In fact, many new grief theorists believe in the permanency of grief. It may be hard to hear that our grief is permanent but with that, we also need to be reminded of the resilience and growth that also comes with understanding and accepting our grief and trauma. 

It is also important to acknowledge the way loss shows up in many ways throughout our life. When we do talk about it, we seem to focus on those we have lost or died and we don’t recognize the loss that surrounds us as an intricate part of our everyday life. Grief is present in the life transition into adulthood. Grief is present in the move to a new home. Grief is present in the friend who broke our trust. Grief is present in the person who fights to live as the gender they identify as. Grief is present when freedom and equitable human rights are taken away from marginalized populations. Grief is present in the parents that see their children grow each day closer into their independence. Each day we shed old versions of ourselves and with exploring our awareness around this, we can gain new perspectives and new strengths. With loss, there is also a lot to gain and if we allow ourselves to notice it, to feel it, gratitude appears in the most simplest of moments and we are more present, more alive and more gentle with ourselves and others. 

Here are some signs to pay attention to if you are not processing your grief.

1. You’re always busy. 

Compartmentalization is healthy but it is not healthy if we are always compartmentalizing. If you find yourself always busy with work or social life and it is difficult to be alone, it is important to ask yourself if you are avoiding your grief. We need to compartmentalize, find routine and structure when we are grieving as we are in a very emotionally unpredictable state. We also need to find time in our day to be alone and listen to what we are feeling. We need to think about the memories of our loved one/ones we have lost and to rest our bodies. Find a time in the day where you are ‘ritualistic’ and gentle with your senses. Light a candle that relaxes you and bring your journal out or take a warm shower. Let yourself cry, release emotions and talk to your loved one. 

2. You’re not inviting vulnerable conversations in. 

When someone asks how you’re doing, are you keeping it short or brushing it off? Are you turning to humor to deflect being vulnerable? It is ok if you do this sometimes but it is important to take the time to find spaces to talk about your grief. This space doesn’t have to be with family or friends. You may need to find a grief expert or a therapist to create a space outside of your personal life to talk about it. Group work is also incredibly helpful even if you just go to hear other people's stories. It can alleviate feelings of loneliness and isolation that often comes with grief. 

3. You’re numbing your emotions. 

Is it hard for you to name your emotions? It is most likely that you are numbing them or repressing or suppressing them. You may eventually turn to substances or self destructive behavior if this goes on for too long. Grief can be an opportunity to tap into old losses and trauma because it can be incredibly reactivating from previous experiences. This is your time to understand your past through these raw resurfaced emotions. This is your time to heal.  

4. You’re following how others have responded to loss. 

You may come from a family or culture where emotions and feelings are not talked about, especially grief, trauma and deeply painful emotions. Processing and feeling emotions is strength not weakness. You may feel shame or judgment for how long and painful this process can be. No one can tell you how long it will take for you to process your own subjective and deeply personal experiences. In fact, your pain is a reflection of how deep you can love. Preserve your energy and reflect on where your love goes. Is it going toward yourself? Is it going toward healthy reciprocated relationships where people respect your grief? 

5. You’re starting to feel chronic fatigue. 

You will be tired after experiencing a loss no matter what as your body is in fight, flight and freeze responding to these raw emotions and processing life and death. You will most likely experience more chronic fatigue if you are not releasing or understanding grief in a healthy way or listening to what your body needs during this time. 

6. You can’t fathom the acceptance of your loss. 

Grief is one of the most painful things a human can process. It is also one of the most profound experiences. Making your way toward acceptance may feel impossible. How can you accept that your loved one is gone? Maybe you’re sick of hearing “everything happens for a reason” because you don’t believe there is a reason your loved one should have died. This is a normal feeling. Instead of pressuring yourself toward finding acceptance, try replacing acceptance with gratitude. Feeling grateful for the love you had and the love you seek around you could organically become inspired by the love you lost. This is a profoundly beautiful and special way to live your life. You just have to let yourself heal even if acceptance is something you cannot find in your grief.