Understanding the Power of Cognitive Distortions
Author: Sarah Murray
We’re often hard on ourselves and we’re often hard on the people around us because of this. The expectations or pressures we put on ourselves can become unconsciously placed on loved ones as well.
In cognitive behavioral therapy, we talk about cognitive distortions. These are “faulty or inaccurate thinking, perception, or beliefs.” Cognitive behavioral therapy can be a reminder to help us name and understand how our thoughts, feelings and behaviors interact with one another. Two very common cognitive distortions we should take a closer look at are magnification and minimization of our thoughts, feelings or experiences. This will look like exaggerating or minimizing the importance of events. You might believe your own achievements are unimportant or that your mistakes are excessively important. Our cultures, social pressures, stigmatization of mental health and survival mechanisms all play a part in how these cognitive distortions show up in our day to day lives.
What magnifying painful experiences can look like…
“I have been through so much in life. I am never going to be a normal person and find a healthy, loving relationship. There is something wrong with me.”
“I don’t think I will ever move on from this.”
Why do we do this?
We’re catastrophizing or seeing only the worst possible outcomes of a situation. The pain can be so unbearable that we can only see the problem. Our brains are in protection mode from what could come in the future based on a past of traumatic or difficult experiences.
What can we do if this happens?
Try and remind yourself that you’re safe right now. It can help to tell yourself the threat is not real; it only exists in your own mind, not reality. Bring yourself to the present moment with grounding exercises. You can also try reminding yourself of times you have overcome painful experiences before. You’re not giving yourself enough credit for the resilience you have.
What minimizing painful experiences can look like…
“The abuse wasn’t that bad or as bad as how others have it in life. I don’t want to victimize myself.”
“I have experienced so much sexual harassment lately but every woman has gone through something like this.”
Why do we do this?
The pain is too tough to bear again. You have always been tough and you’re trying to minimize the experience to move forward but what we’re doing is denying ourselves the impact this experience has had on us. This denial can impede on processing all the information and keep us from turning to healthier choices, like breaking cycles or setting healthy boundaries.
What can we do if this happens?
Try not to compare your experiences to others. Your pain is subjective to your life experiences and you can’t control what you may or may not have had access to to get through these experiences. You deserve to tell yourself that this was not okay or that you deserve better. The best thing you can do is acceptance work with a trusted therapist or friend to help you hold space for these experiences. Reminding yourself that you’re minimizing your pain is something that can be very hard to do alone. Therapists that specifically specialize in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help you create a space to reframe your thinking or point out when these cognitive distortions are occurring. Here are some clinicians that specialize in this at AGP: Jillian Singer, LMSW; Alysha Perlman, LCSW; Kara Lissy, LCSW; Asasia Richardson, LMSW; Tiffany Kindred, ASW.
What can happen if we chronically minimize our painful experiences?
It is incredibly important we don’t always minimize or deny our experiences. Pain is like an energy or force that needs to be released from our minds and our bodies in order to be understood. If it is not released in a healthy way, it will find other ways to be released and usually in less convenient or sometimes harmful ways. For example, it sometimes can only come out through a primal emotion – anger. There is nothing wrong with feeling anger but are you finding healthy ways to release this too? We want to be careful that our misunderstood pain isn't causing harm to the people around us or to ourselves as you may be seeking control over something in your life due to subconscious needs to understand this pain. To understand your pain is to have a healthy form of control while also giving you an opportunity to also find something even more powerful – a sense of freedom. To hold onto pain is allowing it to have power over you. To release and understand pain is to harness this pain into power over your life.
What minimizing positive experiences can look like…
“I graduated from my program but I didn’t get straight A’s.”
“It’s not that great of an accomplishment.”
“Anyone could do that.”
Why do we do this?
We often don’t sit on our accomplishments or milestones long enough to give ourselves the recognition we deserve. This may be because we grew up with people who fought hard and never did this for themselves or perhaps you were never praised for your accomplishments so it feels wrong or unnatural to do so. There are many reasons we may not give ourselves enough credit for how far we have come.
What do we do if this happens?
Try and reflect on the whole of your life. Zoom out and see it all. Again, give yourself the recognition you deserve. It’s okay to say “look how far I have come” or “I do deserve to be happy.” Accept the compliments people give you and say “Thank you. You’re right. I worked really hard.” It may feel unnatural at first, but practicing it will soon make it a part of your internal self-talk.
Don’t forget the power of group work.
Finding homogeneous groups that help you feel seen and heard can really help with understanding your cognitive distortions. A caring, empathetic group will often remind you when you’re being hard on yourself and encourage you to speak your truth. Here are some incredible open support groups for men and mothers run by AGP clinicians: Men’s Group at AGP with Molly McCracken, LMSW and Postpartum Group for Moms with Hagar Ron, LMSW.
Replacing the word “victim” with the word “survivor”...
Oftentimes people say things like “I don’t want to be a victim” or this person is “always victimizing themselves.” There is so much shame that comes with the word victim but we need to remember that we are not victimizing ourselves when we’re simply trying to understand where our pain is coming from. Let’s try and replace the word victim with the word survivor. We’re all surviving in the ways we have learned how to. In simply understanding or naming our cognitive distortions we struggle with or we notice others struggle with, we can understand the human experience more. Remember that we all do this but it is more common for people struggling with chronic anxiety or depression and other mental health diagnoses. Let’s be careful with the word victimization. Our minds' ability to protect ourselves is quite miraculous and powerful and so are you.