It’s not always personal…

Author: Sarah Murray

Everyone takes things personally at times without thinking about all perspectives. It makes sense as we are always finding ourselves and we’re looking for the relationships that feel good, safe and healthy. We are often highly scrutinous toward potential connections in our lives and our egos get in the way of asking the right questions or tapping into our empathy. Oftentimes, people take it personally when someone is inconsistent with them. It is more common for most individuals in their adolescent and young adult years, as many transitions are happening such as leaving community based environments like school.

Instead of seeing conflicting relationships from a wider lens, people often blame themselves on the conflict or the other person involved. People sometimes push the person away without taking steps to be vulnerable and resolve differences or understand miscommunications. Here are some examples of the kinds of thoughts that come up when someone is self blaming or blaming the other and avoiding resolution:

“What did I do for this person to keep bailing on plans last minute?” 

Instead, you could also ask, what is going on in this person's life that they keep bailing on me last minute? Do they struggle with social anxiety? Are they having a hard time with time management right now? 

Then, ask them. Ask them how they are doing and tell them it bothers you when they cancel last minute but that you want to understand why. This is a good way to challenge your own negative beliefs, while also connecting with the other person on a deeper level. 

“Why can I never find deeper connections with people?” 

Are you waiting for them to invite the vulnerability in or are you inviting it in? If you are the one inviting it and they are struggling with going deeper, ask them why that might be. Why is it hard for them to talk about more vulnerable things? Would you ask them and become more curious about them? A good friend cares to know why. 

“I just don’t know if they actually even really like me.” 

Why are you jumping to this harsh conclusion? Did you always struggle with making friends and you’re feeling distrust so your walls are going up? This would naturally make it difficult for them to connect with you. Your own harsh judgment of yourself is a wall you are creating between yourself and others. Challenge yourself to give some weight to the positive possibilities too.

“They’re always busy and that just shows they’re careless and don’t want to prioritize me.” 

Busy could really mean they’re busy. Yes, we want to look for friends that are consistent but are you taking proper steps to check in with this friend and ask them why they are so busy? Do they struggle with self care and boundaries? Are they burnt out? Are they struggling with finances and other emotional struggles in their lives? You won’t know if being busy is an excuse or if they truly are if you don’t communicate. 

When we start to empathize more with new encounters or old connections that we’re feeling disconnected from, we can see that often times this is actually what is occurring: 

One or both parties lack of awareness and self reflection.

Healthy relationships grow stronger when all parties are working on their own internal awareness of themselves - understanding their values, their triggers, their social battery and how this can impact the loved ones around them. If someone is not constantly putting this effort in to know themselves or check in with themselves, hurtful projections (the process of displacing one’s feelings onto a different person, animal, or object) can occur that could impact or harm the relationship. If you notice the lack of awareness and denial occurring in a friend, it is important to invite in those deeper conversations. If they are not open to this and they are being inconsistent or even aggressive or passive aggressive – projecting out their unprocessed emotions – then it could be that you need space from this person or this person is not someone you want to be friends with. Remember that people can become actively more self aware overtime but it isn’t your job to make that choice for them. It is the work of a kind friend to invite the vulnerable to conversations in or recommend other spaces (like with a trusted therapist) for them to explore their pain. 

Current misaligned values that need to be reassessed.

Understanding your values and the values of others in your life are key indicators of the sustainability and longevity of a relationship. As we change, grow and find ourselves, sometimes we realize that our views on life are not what they used to be. An example may be that you’re choosing to drink less alcohol and participate in more healthy activities but your old friends still encourage you to go out drinking and they don’t want to participate in the healthy activities. Maybe this new value on your life is an opportunity to meet new people who value these healthier activities. 

A lack of communication or miscommunication between both parties.

Most often, jumping to conclusions or misinterpretations of the other person are what lead to these issues or disconnection. Our ego or pride goes up and we struggle to be open and notice that there has been a lack of communication which has led to greater conflict. Sometimes it is hard to simply communicate how much we even care about one another. Let’s invite gratitude in the space if we want to see it flourish healthily. Gratitude can allow for you to name the many positive things about the connection and to be able to share these things builds trust, healthy communication and genuine care for one another. 

Miscommunication happens too often and we go on leaving things unprocessed with unresolved emotions creating cycles of conflict within the relationship. The best communication invites care and empathy from all parties. We want to try and incorporate active listening and patience when it comes to understanding how we all process and communicate in very different ways. Going to a therapist to learn more about ways to healthily communicate or resolve conflict can also support finding or determining what kinds of relationships you want in your life. 

Trust the process instead of blaming… 

We really need to listen to ourselves and ask how we feel around the people we surround ourselves with. As people change, so do our relationships. It is possible that that person was there in your life for a short time and that was how it was supposed to be. What did that person teach you about yourself? There is still so much to value about these relationships or encounters even if they don’t last or they change over time. Relationships that are changing could be a sign that you’re growing, healing and new energy or experiences need room to enter into your life. This new energy could be more aligned to your healed self and challenges you to flourish more.