Couples & Currency: How to Talk About Finances with Your Partner
Author: Leigh Hall
On my green velvet sofa sit two smart, successful, sophisticated people: one shaking their head with their hands in the air visibly frustrated and anxious, the other shifting in their seat, looking at me wide-eyed, like a deer in headlights, wearing an uncomfortable smile. The energy in the room is uneasy and the tension is palpable. What caused this concoction of negative emotions and display of awkwardness? A discussion around finances.
Anecdotally, I have found finances to be a huge stressor for couples I work with and also one of the most avoided topics of conversation amongst friends and family. When telling stories that involve money people speak in confusing generalities or redirect the conversation when they feel too many questions are being asked. While there has been a push for financial transparency and education in the last decade through media, many of us grew up in households where discussing money was viewed as "inappropriate." On top of being rarely exposed to conversations about money, the ones we have seen were often contentious, problem-focused, and emotionally draining. As a result, the topic can feel unclear, secretive, and daunting. It is littered with feelings of shame, guilt, and uncertainty. For these reasons, many couples associate financial conversations with conflict.
So, what do they do? Avoid it like the plague.
Talking about money does not cause divorce, not talking about it does.
Avoidance leads to only talking about money in a crisis, which leads to arguments, which leads to avoidance and we're back at ground zero. One major way to ease anxieties and frustrations around managing finances in your relationship is getting out of your head and putting your innermost thoughts, feelings, and behaviors around money on the table. So, here are my tips to start having vulnerable, transparent, constructive discussions around money as a couple:
Lead with interest and curiosity, not judgment
Talking about money requires vulnerability. It might feel scary to start a conversation around money due to a fear of being judged. What if they think I spend too much money on my gym membership? What if they think investing in cryptocurrency is silly? What if they expect my salary to be higher? What if they laugh when hearing my financial goal is to save enough money to quit my job and live abroad for a year?
Oftentimes, our partners are critical without even knowing it. Through facial expressions, body language, and precalculated responses, they tell us they don't approve. This feeling of judgment can cause us to clam up and disengage.
The best thing you can do is verbally identify when you are feeling this way and model the behavior you would like to see from them.
Try inviting your partner to share honestly and keep the conversation going, by leading with interest and curiosity. Instead of making presumptuous statements about their financial habits or mindset, ask questions. Don't assume your way is the right way or the only way even if you are more financially savvy. Listen for what excites your partner about finances, and when they become ashamed or uncomfortable. Don't assume you are on the same page or that you will be aligned on everything money-related. Focus on getting to know more about your partner's relationship with money and how they operate and then you can start to figure out how to work together.
Explore your money culture
Just like exploring your ethnic heritage, exploring your money culture starts with your upbringing. Reflect with your partner on how money was talked about in your household of origin. Some questions to consider include: Was money a source of stress or security? Was frugality celebrated? Who controlled the money? Was money seen as a tool or a status symbol? What was acceptable to spend money on and what wasn't?
Our family's narrative around money is what creates our invisible scripts about money. These scripts are stories we tell ourselves that we often aren't even conscious of, for example, "all debt is bad debt" or "people who are rich are selfish." These invisible scripts shape what money means to us, dictate our financial habits, and may color our perspective of our partners. Uncovering your money culture and discussing it with your loved one will shed light on why you agree or disagree on how to manage money and may help both parties be more compassionate when trying to find a compromise.
Strengthen your connection between money and joy
Discussing finances with your spouse is serious but that doesn't mean it has to be boring or draining. If your entire perspective on money is negative, then it is no surprise that you want to avoid conversations about it. Think about how you talk about money. Is it always brought up in the context of a fight? Does it feel like a chore? Do you only harp on not having enough or what you are doing wrong? It's crucial to inject joy into these conversations so that you want to have them more frequently and at a deeper level. By reframing your negative views of money meetings your brain will start associating money with joy, you will feel less triggered during them, and therefore the conversations will become easier.
Don't let expenses and spreadsheets consume 90% of the conversation. Instead, here are some ways to make financial conversations ones you look forward to rather than dread:
Try talking about how your money is serving you right now and how it can serve you in the future
Share your rich life dreams with one another and see if you can pick one of those things to save up for.
Focus on your gains rather than your sacrifices.
Create an inviting ambiance for the conversations by combining them with a cocktail night at home or a scenic walk.
The takeaway
In a relationship, financial conversations are not one and done. They are ever-changing and don’t have to be scary. I hope that by reading this article, you gained some tools to have more meaningful conversations about money with your partner and are inspired to make them a positive aspect of your relationship. Too many people in relationships feel like they have to navigate the world of finances alone because they are afraid it will create tension if they talk about it with their partner. The thing is, positive conversations about money build trust, commitment, and shared values which results in greater intimacy, something we all want with our significant others.
