From Hurt to Truth. What Can My Unhealthy Relationship Teach Me?
Author: Sarah Murray
Who comes to mind when you think about an unhealthy relationship dynamic? It is very likely that it did not take you very long to make an association. What comes up for you when you start to think about it? Does your heart race? Do you become overwhelmed with memories that make you feel uncomfortable? It is not unheard of to hear people say how much they regretted experiencing those kinds of relationships. You know the ones – one sided, manipulative, confusing and having left you questioning why you stuck around for as long as you did. What if I told you that you shouldn’t regret that hurtful relationship? What if I told you this experience is quite universal?
There is no need to feel ashamed about your past relationships, even the painful ones. Breakups can actually open a door to greater self reflection on your unhealed wounds, wounds which may have brought you to the relationship in the first place. It may be difficult to hear that the breakup itself can help you heal, but read on and you will learn all about why processing these feelings is crucial for self-development and self-esteem.
The truth is that you are attracted to the parts of yourself that still need healing. These parts appear around you in experiences and relationships with others. The unhealed parts create cycles of curiosity in relationships that challenge your sense of safety and your desire to find a healthy and worthy path. When it is difficult to face our own traumas or adversities as they are complex, we often attach ourselves to external, physical reminders of what our own unmet needs are. We often avoid our internal needs and become attentive to someone else's. We are often attracted to resolving the abuse or pain of an unhealthy relationship. We are subconsciously seeking answers within ourselves in these experiences.
This is called trauma reenactment. We often reenact our trauma by way of relationships in order to remember, master and potentially heal from the initial traumatic experience. While trauma reenactment is normal and human, it is best to explore and connect past and present patterns with a mental health professional to prevent unhealthy cycles from repeating themselves.
We may not always be able to connect our past traumas to present reenactments but our awareness of ourselves and the work we do around self forgiveness and self compassion can still break cycles. You will know when you are healing when you start to become attracted to people who provide safety and support your growth.
Here are some examples of how you can turn your hurt into your truth:
If your hurtful person puts you down in front of others to make themselves feel better or look better: Maybe feeling small was a familiar feeling from childhood. Perhaps it is your truth to discover that your kindness should not be mistaken for weakness and that others' words of harm and judgment do not have power over you.
If your hurtful person tried to control your choices: Maybe you have felt out of control before. It is your truth to discover your value in autonomy, freedom and unique self expression.
If your hurtful person isolated you from your close friends or family: Maybe loneliness is something you once felt before, but now it’s your turn to discover the importance of an authentic and trusting community.
If your hurtful person made you feel like conflicts were always your fault: Maybe you once felt guilt for something deeper. Perhaps this experience will show you that you deserve to be with people who are grateful for your presence instead.
If your hurtful person made you question your lived experience: Maybe this awakened you to previous experiences of gaslighting, helping you realize you want to create your own reality from now on.
It may take time to recognize the unhealed wounds that are attracting you to similar situations and repeated cycles in your life. We often unconsciously become attracted to exploring or uncovering the unhealed wounds around us and these patterns of seeking external answers will most likely not break unless we begin to look inward. The minute you start to recognize these patterns, it becomes incredibly liberating to know your truth and recognize what you deserve.