How My Losses Led Me to Become a Therapist

Author: Sarah Murray

"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. And when he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?" – It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) 

As loss is so hard to talk about, sometimes we forget to acknowledge the impact one individual can have on a person, a community and even the world if we consider this ripple effect. It can put into perspective the power of our own actions and choices, and how we make people feel. People who have lost important persons in their lives can feel the hole or emptiness. However, in time, as we process our grief, we also notice the gratitude we feel, both towards the person we lost, and towards the power of that person and of our own choices.

That person you lost is a force of immense love still alive within you pushing you toward greater purpose and wisdom. 

My own losses brought me to be a therapist. Although the unconditional love and support I received from them is something I miss dearly everyday, it is their love that has also brought me to a place that chooses to live this life in how I personally see it to the fullest. I like to believe that that same love I choose to give or surround myself with is how I keep their love alive too. This is their own ripple effect influencing my choice to live this way. 

I told myself that I envision spending the rest of my life empowering a person to value themselves, to see their power so that they may impact their own community and beyond – as that same love transfers, remains alive and is often unseen or overlooked but so much larger than ourselves. That is what matters to me in this life and I cherish the work that I do for this reason. 

Although I am not a therapist to disclose my personal experiences often, I think this is important to share for those therapy skeptics. There are therapists that truly believe in the empowerment of a person and sometimes our job is a catalyst to lift, inspire and shift a person's life to grow, expand and see beyond themselves. I am a therapist that believes in the spirit of therapy. Too often, people struggle to look within themselves and notice how expansive and powerful their own love is. They may not be able to see their own ripple effect on the world. 

When you’re searching for a therapist, it can feel like a strange experience to look for the one that stands out and focuses on the areas where you need support. Their voice and specialties speak to you in a way that may draw you in and take that chance to get started on your therapy journey. I think it is natural and human to read these bios and wonder if this person has experienced some of their own areas of focus such as loss, trauma, PTSD and so forth. Although disclosure in therapeutic space is a personal clinical choice, it is the clinicians role to ensure that the space is about the clients experience. However, there is no denying that the empathy from personal experiences of the clinician can be a valuable energy within the space.

Let’s not forget that therapists are human too. There are many approaches and evidence based theories integrated into this work but people often forget that it is the compassion and love that creates true enlightenment within a soul and this can also be present in therapeutic spaces. 

Grief is both soul crushing and soul awakening…

My personal grief journey went from a lot of emotional repression (read more about repression here) and plenty of avoidance with humor learnt from Italian and Irish descent to an immense knowing I could no longer ignore the compounded losses in my life. I went through the soul crushing path – the self isolation, the anger and the heart wrenching cries.

Oh, and that doesn’t go away, but it doesn’t show up as often in time. I let myself feel it. I let myself recognize how deeply I love and miss each part of those I lost. As scary as it was to start to feel it all, I chose to and through the pain came the awakening of the things that matter most to me in life. I’m grateful for having the courage to feel it and to let go of the shame that can come with it as well.

Now, I choose carefully who brings me joy into my life. I choose carefully how I spend my days in nature both in solitude or in good company. I choose intentionally to honor and create space for people's pain so that they may someday choose wisely with their hearts and see how their grief has awakened them. In grief, you can feel like an open wound to the world for a while but if given proper tending to yourself, to your wound, to your honoring of that emptiness within you, your wound will become your wisdom and your soul will feel awakened letting in the simplest moments chosen with gratitude. 

What you do and who you are does matter… 

Maybe you are thinking, 'I really don't think what I do matters that much.” This is where you are very wrong. Whether you are a plumber, a salesperson, a teacher, an architect, a painter, comedian or a stay at home parent— or maybe you’re still trying to figure it out — you’re always giving something to the world everyday. As a plumber, you’re creating a safe, convenient home and space for someone. As a salesperson, you’re selling something that could bring some joy or convenience or maybe make someone feel beautiful. As a teacher, you’re teaching skills that help people find themselves. As an architect you’re designing something unique, efficient and beneficial for a person or community. As a painter, you’re painting something that could bring someone a sense of peace. As a comedian, you’re making someone laugh and understand themselves more through storytelling. As a stay at home parent, you’re providing a safe space for child development and giving love to a new soul that is about to add even more to this world. Together, all of these things are important and needed and we need to value ourselves more through it. As every profession or role is always a commitment to others in more ways than one, it can’t be forgotten that our smaller everyday life choices are just as important if not more important. It is who you are both in and out of your roles that matters most. Our character and care for others – even strangers - have a ripple effect in this world. 

Here are some other everyday examples of this: 

• You smile at a stranger when they’re having a bad day and this inspires them to turn their day around. Their positive turn around made them productive at work and they were given recognition from their boss. 

• You tell a friend they deserve better and they choose to set more boundaries and stand up for themselves.

• You compliment someone's outfit and it gives them confidence to go on their date which then creates a wonderful connection between them. 

• You tell an artist that their work inspires you and it gives them the confidence to create more.

• You start to make healthy choices for yourself and it inspires your loved ones to as well. You and your loved ones feel healthy, happy and are able to communicate and be more present together.