How to Overcome the Fear of Becoming a Parent
Author: Amy Warren
Join the club! Many people are fearful about becoming a parent and these feelings are not only normal, but common. It shows a lot of self-awareness to acknowledge this fear, as it is of one of the biggest responsibilities a person may take in their life: having and raising children.
As a therapist, I often hear my clients share with me that they are afraid of starting a family in fear of replicating the dysfunction they experienced growing up. This may be due to growing up in a family with a history of mental illness, substance related disorders, abuse, neglect, or even having a broken family.
It is more common than you might think to have fears related to emotional and psychological factors surrounding parenthood. One of the most common reasons people seek therapy (besides the fact that it’s amazing self-care!) is to begin the process of healing old wounds. Let’s dive deep and examine the reasons behind some of these common fears and how to conquer them:
Know Your Family History
Your own mental health history is important when taking the plunge into parenthood. Maybe you had a mom that struggled with Bipolar disorder or a brother who is in recovery for drug addiction. Or maybe you experience CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) from growing up in environments like these. Sometimes these disorders are genetic and out of our control. Being mindful of family history can work to your advantage in preparing for parenthood.. It’s important to realize that like any physical ailment, our mental health should receive attention if certain aspects need attention. Knowing your family’s history can lead to earlier intervention and a better chance of handling any issue that may arise.
Everyone Has Triggers
Be aware of your past traumas. We all have past issues; this is okay and is a part of being human! While we cannot change the past, we can work in the present to cope with our past traumas. For example, just because your parents may have had issues being parents themselves, doesn’t mean that you will too. You can take these experiences and use them as a learning opportunity of how you’d envision being different as a parent. Oftentimes people are scared of becoming their parents. This can be prevented with communicating your sensitivities with your family or loved ones with first person “I” statements like “I feel angry when you speak to me that way” vs. losing your temper and being in a reactive mode. This is being assertive and preventative to avoid communication breakdowns, passive aggression, and resentment towards your family. By doing what you couldn't do as a child, you begin to repair those old wounds.
Balance is Key
I often discuss establishing balance with my clients in order to move out of the black and white/all or nothing mindset. Oftentimes we think that if we repeat one behavior like our parents that we are doomed to be “just like mom” or “just like dad”. That is not true. We will naturally pick up certain behaviors and traits from our caregivers no matter how we are raised. For example, I have recently had clients who have expressed their parents as judgemental, even prejudiced. I work with these clients to make a conscious effort to detach and draw boundaries with their family but often have anxiety that it reflects poorly on them or shame that they will repeat the cycle. Understanding that family members may have certain qualities vs be defined solely on those qualities can promote a balanced approach to how we raise children as well. We can not control others' behaviors, but only work on our own values and how we choose to respond.This helps to maintain a healthy balance. that if you have that you will be exactly like him when parenting or approaching the next generation. Being mindful that you were exposed to certain ways of thinking is important but it does not define you as an individual. This is important to take with parenting as we can show up to do the best you can but understanding eventually some of the child’s behaviors and choices are out of your control can bring some balance and serenity.
Reach out for Therapy
Talk about it with a trained therapist in a safe, accepting, confidential setting. Unraveling all of this can feel overwhelming, especially if there is trauma involved. Here you want to seek some professional help to support and guide you as you unpack and face these emotions. By getting some of this old—yet still-alive—sensitive stuff off your psychological plate (Famous 19th Century German Psychotherapist Fritz Perls called this “unfinished business”), you can begin to see your life with less fear and more realistically. Therapy can really make all the difference! Especially when you’ve never been before.
Identification with others is the best way to break stigma and gain support when dealing with parenting fears. You will meet some of your greatest friends along the way when raising your child and confiding in other parents about their struggles or fears will help tremendously. Inquire with A Good Place about joining a group soon!
Your past is not going to go away, but you don't have to repeat it. Instead, reshape it, and be proactive! You aren’t the first person to be scared of taking the parenting plunge and with the proper support and self awareness, parenting can be one of the most fulfilling experiences you’ve ever had filled with loads of self discovery, challenges, and most importantly, love.
