Tips for Initiating a Nonaggressive Confrontation

Jul 27

It is no secret that confrontation can be really scary! Whether it be a conversation with a significant other, friend, family member, boss, roommate, or child, the idea of directly asserting our needs can be intimidating. Many people give up on having these conversations all together just to avoid the feelings that arise when they think of setting a boundary or having a difficult conversation. People tend to predict the future, anticipating the worst possible outcomes, defensiveness, or an argument.

Even though it can be scary, it is extremely important that we have these challenging conversations if we want to have successful relationships! It is our job in our relationships to communicate when something is not okay for us, or if there’s something that we would like differently. All relationships take work, and a lot of that work is communicating our needs. Here are four amazingly simple and impactful steps, which I learned when I was trained as a Fellow at the Center for Ethnic, Racial, and Religious Understanding, to follow for a successful and nonaggressive confrontation!

STEP 1: Objectively state the specific facts of the situation you are addressing.

The first step to a successful confrontation is to be extremely specific about what it is you are addressing. This helps to ensure that the person you’re speaking to knows exactly what behavior is upsetting to you, and this way, they know which behavior to change! Be careful to keep your feelings out of your description of the facts, since it is easy to misinterpret a person’s behavior when looking at the situation emotionally. Keep it simple and factual!

STEP 2: Say how the situation made you feel. Do not make accusations, and keep the focus on your feelings.

I always suggest to clients to use ‘feeling statements’ or ‘I-statements’ at this point in the conversation. These statements are the opposite of ‘You-statements’ where blame is placed on the other person. See the example below!

You-statement: “You didn’t call me back today. You were rude and you didn’t care to hear about my day.”

Feeling-statement/I-statement: “When you told me you didn’t want to talk on the phone today, I felt unimportant.”

Feeling statements are a way to keep the focus on you rather than pointing fingers at others, which ultimately prevents defensiveness from the other person and fosters positive, heart-centered communication.

It’s also important to keep in mind that it is easy to make assumptions about what another person is feeling based on their behavior. But remember, we are not mind readers! Focusing on our feelings gives the other person the opportunity to explain their side of the situation without feeling attacked.

STEP 3: State the value you hold that makes this conversation important.

In this step of the conversation, you are explaining the significance of this situation to you. Building off of the example above, one could say something like: “It is important to me that we have phone conversations” or “I value talking on the phone with the people who are close to me.” Here, you are communicating the need you have that you feel is currently being unmet due to the issue at hand.

STEP 4: Make a request.

Ask the person you’re speaking with what you would like them to do differently going forward. If you don’t have something specific in mind, you could always ask the person to help you brainstorm possible solutions.

Here is a template which you can use to help you plan out your difficult conversations! And below are some infographics to illustrate an example of a request.

When (state fact), I feel (state feeling). It is important to me that (state value). Is it possible, (make a request)?

This method for productive confrontation borrows from the Center for Ethnic, Racial, and Religious Understanding (CERRU)’s toolkit on conflict, which has been informed by past trainers, Eastern and Western conflict philosophies, as well as liberation philosophies. To learn more about CERRU & their amazing work, visit www.cerru.org.