“It Ends With Us,” But It Doesn’t End There - A Deeper Reflection On Domestic Violence
Author: Sarah Murray
“It Ends with Us” is a story written by Colleen Hoover that has been a large topic of conversation since it’s been a newly adapted feature film. It captures the complexities of intimate partner violence while also intimately displaying the inner strength of a woman choosing herself while in the depths of her pain, resurfaced traumas and sacrificial love. As this portrayal of intimate partner violence has been a dramatization created for entertainment, I find it frustrating that we aren’t pushing conversations further by raising awareness on the complexities of domestic violence or intimate partner violence. However, maybe we need a Hollywood mainstream portrayal so that women and men in the masses can take a deeper look within themselves or notice signs in loved ones who may be experiencing it.
The honest systemic truth about DV
Let’s first acknowledge that domestic violence affects ten million people in the US every year. Although one in ten men can be victims of DV and IPV each year, one in four women are victims each year. (Huecker et. al, 2023) Systemically, Black, Indigenous people of color experience higher rates of domestic violence than white folx. (Gomez, 2022) The most common age range of DV victims are young adults between the ages of 18-24. (Demographics and domestic violence, 2015) Queer women are also significantly more likely to experience abuse than heterosexual individuals. Over 40% of lesbian women and over 60% of bisexual women have experienced rape, physical violence and stalking. For men, 26% of gay men and just over 37% of bisexual men experience abuse. (Domestic Violence Statistics, 2023) Transgender folx are about two times more likely to experience physical violence. (Huecker et. al, 2023)
If you are a survivor or person currently experiencing intimate partner violence, be warned that if you watch this film you will most likely be triggered. It may occur when you see Lily Bloom (played by Blake Lively), the protagonist, in fear, helpless, manipulated and in danger from her partner Ryle Kincaid (played by Justin Baldoni). You may become activated when you see the way his eyes change and he becomes violent and controlling toward Lily. These are quite accurate depictions of the complexities of these intimate relationships. Ensure you are with a safe other or others if you decide to watch this movie and have a history of intimate partner violence. If you decide to see this film on your own, ensure to check in with a safe person or therapist to process what may have come up for you.
Here are some ways the book and movie portrayed these situations accurately:
Love, trauma bonding and abuse can exist at the same time but it does not excuse the abuse
Abuse is a gradual and psychological process
There are many warning signs of abusive behavior before battering may occur
A destructive temper that leads to breaking objects or personal belongings
Excessive control or possessiveness
Breaking promises to control the dynamics of the relationship
Forms of manipulation - gaslighting
Denial and shame is very present from both the victim, abuser and potential other family members involved
There are aspects of the film or book that do not often present in most abusive situations
Many women in these power dynamics are often filled with shame, denial and fear that they are self isolating and often intentionally isolated by their abuser. As it is quite moving to see Atlas Corrigan (played by Brandon Sklenar), Lily’s old friend and romantic love interest stand up for her, protect her and always be there as her safe haven, this is most often rarely the case when it comes to these situations. Most women don’t have an Atlas or safe haven.
Your safe haven may not be a kind eyed man waiting across from you at the farmers market. Your safe haven may be a warm hug from a close friend who gives you a safe place to stay. Your safe haven may be a kind and strong woman at a domestic violence shelter with a similar story to share.
Even when others struggle to understand what you have been through, remember that you are not weak
For those that still feel shame and regret for experiencing these complex relationships or maybe you are still in one, I want to remind you that you are not weak. In fact, you are immensely strong, resilient, patient, empathetic and loving but maybe you’ve never known or seen how you can be all of that for yourself. Your partners or ex partners past traumas are not an excuse for abuse and your past traumas are not a reason to stay.
Moving on from this kind of trauma
Remember that you are not your partner's therapist. Escape the familiarity, let go of the past and find your safe haven whether that be yourself once again, a safe community or maybe eventually a partner that has also chosen to grow, be patient, kind and know themselves on a deeper level as you have chosen for yourself. Choose to continue to grow with self and others together passionately, compassionately and unconditionally as you deserve this in return.
It may take time to name that you are a survivor
Remember it can take years even after leaving an abusive situation to admit to yourself that it was abuse. Remember that your body will be a signal for you to heal. You may not even be in any danger, but your body may feel you are due to similar sensations from previous experiences. Maybe years later, as you are intimate with a new and trusting partner, you start to experience flashbacks and intrusive memories which bring you to a place of fear.
Who can support you and what does that look like?
It is incredibly important to see a trauma therapist to share your story with. It is also important for those partnered with individuals with an abusive past to do their work on educating themselves on these PTSD symptoms and how to support their partner. Don’t exacerbate the immense shame that comes with this.
Let’s also acknowledge the trauma that exists within the abuser. These cycles are often dependent on the women to break free from. Although we don’t want to completely villainize an abuser, we do want to hold them accountable and we need to walk away. We can hope that they receive professional help with a trauma expert so that they too can break these cycles but it is not a survivor's job to ensure they take those next steps.
Break the cycle but don’t push support and love away
Spoiler alert*
At the end of the film/book, Lily Bloom holds her newborn baby tight and says “It ends with us.” She wants to break the cycle and teach her daughter to walk away from these situations. It is important that as we walk away from these situations and as they are often incredibly codependent, we need to make sure we don’t fall into hyper independence and self isolation. You are not alone. You may not have an Atlas Corrigan. It may just be you or you and your child/children but don’t let your abusive past shut you out completely from other supports. There are many people who have experienced something similar and there are others out there also working to break their cycles. The more we talk about these things, the more we remind survivors how strong they are, the more we can create safer spaces for people to heal from these deeply traumatic experiences.
Here are some resources if you or a loved one is currently or has previously experienced domestic violence:
The New York State Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NYSCADV)