Parental Expectation vs. Personal Goals: 5 Tips on How to Handle Family Expectations Without Losing Yourself

Author: Jessalyn Henriquez Polanco

My mother was born and raised in a little campo in the Dominican Republic. She immigrated to the United States, alone, when she was in her late teens. She stayed with her aunt, uncle-in-law, and cousins, who had immigrated a year before, in a one-bedroom NYC apartment. She worked at least 12-hour shifts 7 days a week at the El Mambi restaurant in Washington Heights to provide for her family in the city and back home in DR. When my mom had me years later, she worked even harder so that I could live her American dream. 

Once I was old enough to formulate my own goals, however, her “dreams” of my future did not align at all with mine. When I realized this, I felt extremely conflicted. On one hand, I knew how hard my mom had worked, all the sacrifices she made for me, and how challenging life had been for her. On the other hand, I knew that I wanted to explore different passions and aspects of my personality that she didn’t fully understand. I felt guilty and selfish for even considering pursuing a different path than the one my mother wanted for me. This tension led me down a deep desire for self-exploration and understanding, which fueled my passion to help others navigate their own mental, emotional, and relational challenges.

After going through my own personal journey, working with multiple first-gen students, and learning more about different kinds of trauma and development, I have been able to reflect on how to navigate balancing parental expectations with one’s own personal goals. Here are some recommendations for First-Generation Americans who may be struggling with the same challenges: 

1. Identify/Reflect on Your Own Values and Goals

It’s important to identify what your personal goals are! Understanding yourself will make it easier to communicate with your loved ones about what you want for yourself.  Take time to reflect on questions like:

Jessalyn at her college graduation. 

• What are your core values?

• What are you genuinely passionate about? 

• What are your interests?

• What are your strengths?

• What career paths or life decisions make you feel fulfilled?

• What can you see yourself doing everyday? 

• What aspects of your identity do you want to explore?

2. Try to Understand the Root of Your Parents Expectations Even If/When You Don’t Agree

Despite how overwhelming and unfair they can feel, parental expectations often come from a place of love, concern, and sacrifice. The immigrant experience is not an easy one, especially in the United States. Many immigrant parents have faced hardships and or made significant sacrifices to ensure a better life for their children. Understanding where these expectations come from can help reduce feelings of resentment and create some understanding. Although sometimes their expectations can come off as controlling, they aren’t always about wanting to have power over you; for many parents, it's about ensuring their children's safety, security, and future in the only way they know how. For many immigrant parents, or anyone, fear can manifest itself as a need for control. Even if you may not agree with or understand the root of your parent’s expectations, I encourage you to consider this when thinking about how you would like to approach your parents about your goals.

3. Have an Open and Compassionate Conversation 

Conversations with parents about differing life goals can be difficult and nerve-wracking , especially if there is a cultural gap or language barrier. Open and honest communication is key to resolving tension and creating a sense of understanding. Here are some tips to approach the conversation:

• Acknowledge parental sacrifices: Start by expressing gratitude for the opportunities they’ve provided and recognize their efforts that have gotten you to where you are today.

• Explain your perspective: Share your personal goals and why they are important to you. Use "I" statements to express your desires without sounding accusatory or dismissive.

• Find a Common Denominator: Find common ground between their expectations and your goals. For example, if they value financial security, explain how your career path can lead to that—even if it’s nontraditional.

4. Be Kind to Yourself and Be Patient with Your Parents

It is very common for first-generation individuals to feel a sense of responsibility or guilt when they aren’t following their parents' wishes or meeting expectations. Learning to be kind to yourself and validate your experiences and desires is important.

• Recognize that you have a right to make choices: As an adult, you have the autonomy to choose the path that you believe is right for you, even if it goes against cultural norms or expectations. You are not required to live by anyone’s rulebook because the life that you have been given is yours.

• Practice self-compassion: Remind yourself that pursuing your goals is not selfish. It’s important to prioritize your mental health and happiness. At the end of the day, you have to live with the decisions you make for yourself. You are allowed to make decisions that make you feel joyful and good about yourself and the life you live.

• Be patient: It may take time (sometimes even multiple conversations) for your parents to fully accept your decisions. That is okay. We have to give our loved ones the space to process, let go, and adjust. 

• Accept their stance: Unfortunately, there are some cases in which parents don’t ever fully “get it” or embrace your choices wholeheartedly. It is important to remember that this is also okay! This may hurt because we all want the support of our parents. However, this shouldn’t stop you from chasing the life that you want for yourself. You got this! You will get through it!

5. Build a Support System for Yourself

This journey can sometimes be very overwhelming and make individuals feel very alone; it is important to have a support system to lean on:

• Seek out mentors or professionals: Finding mentors in your desired field, or seeking advice from a therapist/counselor, can provide guidance on your journey and reassurance.

• Connect with other first-gen individuals: Look for clubs or support groups for first-gen Americans and share your experiences or listen to the experiences of others. Speaking with others who are navigating similar challenges can help you feel less alone.

• Talk to your close friends about your experiences: Trusted friends can provide support as you work through difficult family dynamics. 

Ultimately, balancing your own goals and the expectations of your parents can be a very difficult journey. It isn’t easy navigating life and feeling like you are letting the people you love most down. This journey will require an immense amount of patience, compassion, respect, and self-awareness. While it is understandable that we want to honor our parents and what they have done for us, it is vital that we find a path that aligns with our authentic selves in order to cultivate longterm joy and fulfillment. You deserve to live the life of your dreams. Through reflection, open /honest communication, and seeking outside support, you can maintain a healthy relationship with your loved ones while still choosing yourself.