Spotlight Interview: Tiffany Momoko Kindred

Asasia: How do you describe your style and your approach as a therapist?

Tiffany: If I had to choose words for it, I think psychodynamic and relational. What that actually means is – if it’s an individual – I try to help them identify what their behavior is, understand why they behave that way, and think about how they want to behave. In other words, getting to, ‘I understand that due to my childhood and history of experiences, I behave in XYZ way. I would like to shift my behavior in ABC ways. Now that I understand why I’m doing XYZ, how can I actually work on changing my behavior to ABC in the moment?’

For couples, it’s similar but I think it also includes understanding your partner’s side of what I just described and then understanding how our intergenerational patterns come into play. Because with couples or families, all of that stuff is bound to come up.

Asasia: When you think about your approach and areas of specialization, what is important to you about that work?

Tiffany: What’s important to me about that work is understanding how we operate in the world, what our relationships are like, and how we feel. I think that knowing your identity and why you are the way you are, helps you to be able to have more control over the way you live your life. We all deserve to live our lives in the way that feels most genuine to us - how can we do that if we don’t understand why we are currently living in the way we do, and what “most genuine” looks like for each of us? 

Part of what draws me to couples and family work is that our relationships impact us and it is important to understand how we operate relationally. I’m the way I am because of the people, culture, and environment around me. That stuff matters.

Asasia: That’s true, with couples and family work you have the opportunity to see more of those different angles and influences.

Tiffany: It’s so important because sometimes – I think about this myself a lot – I have my perspective and I make the mistake of not thinking enough about how other people are viewing the way that I’m behaving. You’re thinking “Oh my god, this person said this, can you believe it? They didn’t even do this and this.” But what did I do to lead to that behavior in the first place? I’m contributing to this in some ways. What’s my contribution? I ask that question to couples a lot. Whenever there’s a relationship problem, the question to ask ourselves is, what’s my contribution? And shutting down or not engaging, that’s still a contribution.

Asasia: That’s a challenge to pose to somebody, how are you contributing to the thing that you’re upset about? You can do that in individual therapy of course, but it looks very different. 

Tiffany: It looks very different because you’re not hearing the other person’s perspective right in front of you about the issues you’re struggling with. 

Asasia: What do you think it’s like for your clients in a typical session?

Tiffany: I think it depends. For couples and families, I think clients expand their thinking and get a sense of, “oh my family member or my partner thought that.” Or “Oh, I’m hearing what they’re saying differently” as I (Tiffany) relay it. For example, if there’s a wife and she’s frustrated about something that happened over the week, then she hears her partner’s perspective in session, and then hears me relaying it through what I’m hearing, she might be able to hear it differently. So, I think that for couples and families it’s a lot of that. “Oh, I’m understanding what happened relationally, and I understand how I’m contributing to this and I understand how that impacts the relationship.”

Asasia: I was just going to say that, in that example you demonstrated what you mentioned before, the “oh wait, that’s how I contributed.” 

Tiffany: Exactly, and I think for couples and families that’s probably how they’re experiencing the session. We also talk about communication a lot. Sometimes when we are frustrated or annoyed, we communicate in a way that pushes our partner or family member away instead of expressing our distress and opening up a conversation. In session, we talk about how the clients can express the feeling and feel heard. 

Asasia: What is a challenge you’ve overcome that has helped you become a better therapist?

Tiffany: The challenges I’ve had and then worked through for so long in therapy make me a better therapist. I also think that I’ve had a lot of big life transitions – moving to the US, and then going back [to Japan] and then moving back [to the US]. I think having big life transitions helps – you know, when you live in one place for your whole life that’s all you know. You can visit [other places], but it’s different when you visit versus when you live there. So I think that having lived in multiple cities and transitioned helps me understand how transitions can really make a huge impact on shaping who you are.

Asasia: Definitely, it does shape you.

Tiffany: It definitely does. Especially when you’re going from one culture to a very different culture. It’s a big adjustment. On top of that, there’s the added layer of the political environment and the racial/cultural situation in the U.S., so suddenly you go from one thing to being a completely different thing in other people’s eyes. And then you may experience the world differently, because other people see you and treat you differently. Just that in itself I think is hard.

Who are the people around you? That changes so dramatically based on where you live and what the environment is, and then the people around you shape how you’re experiencing your life now. 

Asasia: It sounds like you’ve had a really rich life experience. 

Tiffany: [laughs] The other transition is moving careers! 

Asasia: You’ve lived a hundred lives! [both laugh]

So on a different topic, as therapists we all have to take care of ourselves and just try to be intentional. How do you take care of yourself and decompress?

Tiffany: I think one is moving around, like exercise in various forms. Whether it’s running or yoga or doing activities with my partner, you know, hiking, paddle boarding. I think that’s one. I also have my dog, she’s a big one. I generally also think one of the things that I've really found important is balance. When I’m out of balance I’m not doing the best work, I’m not my best self, I don’t feel good. So I think focusing on whether I am sleeping enough, drinking enough water, getting enough proper nutrition, moving enough, all of those things.

Also, I love listening to podcasts. I like Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead with Brené Brown. I also like We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle. I also like Esther Perel’s Where Do We Begin. I listen to those a lot. While I’m walking, running, driving, and cooking. I often recommend podcasts to clients too. So I’ll listen to one and say, “Hey this reminded me of what we’ve been talking about, maybe you’ll find it helpful.”