The Power of Being Alone

Author: Sarah Murray

“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” ― Bell Hooks

There is no question that our need for human connection is imperative throughout our developmental stages of life. Community is essential for our happiness and our health; we have always survived by having safety in numbers. Not only is it important for us to find safe, trusting and deep relationships, it is also important to maintain daily social encounters that connect us to new faces, new experiences and remind us of our access to safety and connection. It is just as important to smile at the local barista as it is to build and maintain deep, authentic and trusting relationships. It is a universal and biological truth that we must find community and connection while it is also just as imperative that we search to find spaces and opportunities to connect deeper to ourselves – in solitude. If we find a balance in this, we are increasing our ability to self actualize in healthy, sustainable and confident ways. 

We often overlook the importance of maintaining a healthy relationship with ourselves. The only way we can do this is if we are creating the space to listen to, nurture, and express what is going on inside our hearts and our minds. An important way to heal, grow stronger, and become more present is to embrace our own solitude and listen to our inner voice.

Many fear solitude. Maybe it is because it can lead to a greater fear — loneliness. Remember that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. We must no longer place shame around solitude. Who are the ones that can sit at that coffee shop by themselves? Who are the ones that embrace their own company with confidence? It can take time to get to a place where being in your own company can feel comfortable but once discovered and appreciated, it can be incredibly liberating and replenishing. 

Let’s explore this deeper and look into 7 reasons why solitude is just as important as socialization:

1. You embrace your inner voice 

In solitude, the voice within and the emotions that come to the surface are signals that you’re ready to hear your story and maybe even ready to share it. But first, share it with yourself. Understand it. Write it on paper. You can only do this in solitude. If you’re constantly around others, you could be avoiding something that needs to be released and understood. 

2. You slow down and find your energy 

When you embrace solitude, you start to see how everyone or everything is moving so fast around you. Observe the crowds. Someone is walking to work in a hurry. That might have been you just last week. You notice a group of friends going out and laughing with one another and most of the jokes being said are deflections of their very own insecurities. Everyone is focused on their destination or on their social pressures. You are now the one present, silent and meditating on the world around you. You are the one noticing the pressure and not letting yourself get lost or tired in it.

We think we have to be everyone’s friend or important to someone. We think we have to always be moving forward. We will move forward but being present can allow us to move forward gratefully. We have to slow down and we have to notice more. 

3. You notice the senses of life 

You’re noticing more in your solitude. Instead of being lost in conversation with someone at the coffee shop, you’re hearing the noises around you. You hear the eclectic music playing that grounds you. You feel your soft sweater on your shoulders. You hold your warm coffee cup and finally taste it, enjoy it and become centered in a space with strangers respecting your peace, your silence and your comfort. You’re embracing mindfulness. You’re embracing each moment. 

4. You think less about what others think of you 

Once you have found safety and comfort within yourself or your own company has become enlightening, you start to think less about what others think about you because you’ve embraced yourself. Maybe you’ve even made your way toward self-forgiveness. That can be a longer internal journey, but you’ve started in your solitude which is a great foundation. In recognizing your own mistakes and perhaps where they came from, you start to look at others’ mistakes with more compassion too. 

5. You listen more and you judge less 

Self judgment and negative self-talk are only made aware when we take the time to listen and understand where it is coming from. Are these voices from your past? When did you start talking to yourself like this? These are important questions to ask yourself and it requires solitude and contemplation. When you understand yourself more through embracing solitude, you understand humanity more. You are creating more space for self compassion and compassion for others.  

Dr. Kristen Neff, the author of “Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive” and an expert on self-compassion wrote, “Connectedness is inherent to compassion. When compassion is turned inward, it means we acknowledge that all humans are imperfect and lead an imperfect life. While this may sound obvious, we often fall into the trap of believing that things should go well and that something has gone wrong when they don’t.” 

It is also important that we acknowledge that if you are struggling with negative self talk, you may need to find a trusting expert in cognitive behavioral therapy so they can give you the tools you need to understand your cognitive distortions, explore the root causes of them and find ways to reframe these thoughts. 

6. You embrace creativity 

You’re becoming an artist in your solitude. We’re all artists and solitude is the doorway to your artistry. Just by noticing the details around you more, you  are centered, present, regulated and able to observe things closer that can inspire you. Artists are observers of the internal world and find creative ways to connect this to the wider world. You might start to feel inspired to write more, draw more, sing more or dance more and if you start to share this with others, you will find even more authentic connections. You won’t do this if you fear solitude. You won’t embrace this if you think you always have to be with someone absorbing their energy and draining your own without awareness or care. Care for yourself in solitude so that you may create art that speaks to others and may invite the right others in. 

7. You become more present with others 

The best part about embracing solitude and your own story is when you start to feel your story all around you in others or in moments shared while empathetically observing, listening and connecting. You have understood yourself more that it has allowed you to see others closer. In creating this balance of solitude and socialization, you have a deeper awareness of who feels safe, authentic and aligned with you. You start to make healthier balanced social choices. You become free to be yourself instead of trying to escape from it.