Adult Children and Generational Trauma: Don't Sweep Your Healing Under the Rug
Author: Sarah Murray
The phrase “sweeping it under the rug” is a common idiom in the English language. Have we ever asked why this is? Why do many of us struggle with being vulnerable? The technical definition of vulnerability is being “susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.” This definition in itself could deter people from wanting to endure this or to expose their weaknesses. It is natural to think that our hesitation to be vulnerable with ourselves and others is a passed down defense from generations before us that have had to survive and protect. With this understanding, we also need to see why we are a country that is desperate for healing and struggles to admit this. We are longing to redefine vulnerability. If we allow vulnerability to be a strength, we are recognizing that we are also susceptible to emotional healing, truth and resilience.
In the words of Leonard Cohen…
“There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in”
A country of immigrants, dream seekers and settlers is also a country of sacrifice, loss and disconnection. Many of us don’t associate grief with immigration but it is important that we acknowledge the immense grief that comes with it. Assimilating in an individualistic society sometimes results in the denial of our innate need for community. The cultures that were migrated from were the cultures that primitively helped people to survive. To assimilate is to adapt. To assimilate to this country can hold a different story for many, but alongside the grief that is “swept under the rug” is often the authentic, rich and repressed parts of an immigrant's culture. We can’t deny that among American values, we often seek safety in superficiality, validation in image and happiness in instant gratification. We are increasingly surrounded by pressures to ‘keep achieving,’ ‘keep spending,’ ‘keep going,’ ‘keep comparing’ whether that is on our phones or on our drive to work, images of these reminders are everywhere. We are unconsciously absorbing and adapting to a superficially driven society. Those generations who carry the unprocessed grief and sacrifice of generations before seem to be seeking answers to their healing and longevity in their happiness, but instead often fall victim to these instant gratification quick-fixes.
There are anthropological and ecological reasons behind our incorporation of mental health into the mainstream. It is not just a trend and it is not just a hashtag. It is an awakening of our spirits and a call back to our culture’s core values. Ironically, we may have technology and progress to thank for pushing these conversations further. It is no coincidence that millennials are among the many that have initiated conversations. They are the bridge between two very different generations connecting the influence of old traditions and technological advances. They reminisce about childhoods spent outside in nature instead of sitting in front of an iPad. They saw their loved ones struggle to find themselves as young parents and caregivers that were pressured to build an American dream growing too fast for us to process it all at once. It might have looked like a father or mother working all day to create a future for their family so much so that there was no room for emotions, no time to pause and hold space or connection. It was seen too often – the “sweeping under the rug” of emotions that sat there unspoken and unfelt. Hard work and sacrifice sometimes robs people of the present moment and time only spent fighting for a future could disconnect them from what they are fighting for in the first place - a connected family.
There are many adult children today, not just millennials, that struggle with guilt. Adult children may be healing or growing while watching their parents, grandparents or loved ones from older generations struggle to feel or face their pain. The times of sacrifice meant they might not have had room or time to put that kind of energy towards themselves. We live in a world where both women and men find validation in service for others but sometimes, it can lead us to lose sight of ourselves. Hard work and service for others is indeed honorable, but it can also be oppressive. A place that wants workers, production and people who sacrifice is a place that is not going to let you stop, look, feel and process. It is oppressive for people to think they don’t deserve to process their pain. It is oppressive to name this as weakness. It is oppressive to continue to project images of what our life is supposed to look like instead of promoting being present and looking at what is already around us. We are human before we are workers, before we are mothers, fathers and caretakers.
Now that we have explored the why, let’s explore the how. How do adult children accept and move on from family members that have not accepted and moved on themselves?
Maybe you heard phrases like “Be tough.” “Get over it.” “There are people in worse situations.” “It is time to move on.” “Stop crying.” Those same loved ones that said those things have most likely always told themselves that and they are projecting the way they have always known to survive.
Parenting can be a big shame trigger. If a parent sees a child crying in pain, they may instinctively think they are failing to protect their child, rather than accepting that crying is natural, even for adults. They may still struggle with putting care and energy toward themselves – an unusual concept. Have you ever tried to have a vulnerable conversation with a parent or caregiver about change or making healthier decisions for themselves? Perhaps their response was: “Oh, I must have been such a terrible father/mother if this is how you feel about me…” This is a response of shame and the inability to accept faults as a parent. It is their own catastrophizing and deflection toward next steps in their own processing. It is also usually hard for a parent to admit that they are human and they make mistakes but we have to normalize this. We have to understand the role that society has also played in influencing their fears. Anxiety is often misdirected as protection, and just because their behaviors are well-meaning does not mean we can’t set boundaries around them.
With better boundaries, we can have more acceptance, and with more acceptance we may have more grace and forgiveness. It is not the adult child’s job to teach them how to heal or how to choose themselves.
Substance use & denial
Some parents may be in a deeper state of mental struggles due to genetic predispositions, generational trauma or suppressed memories. This is quite complex for the adult child and a lot of guilt and shame may come up. Many cultures or generations have normalized substance use and the denial of addiction runs deep, but younger generations have become more open about discussing their vulnerabilities to heal. It is incredibly painful once you move past your own denial and choose healing. Acceptance work is part of this as is finding spaces outside of the home such as supportive relationships, support groups like Al-Anon that provide safety, trust and stability so that you can make way to find these things within yourself.
Boundaries are going to look different for each person but exploring this with a therapist or substance use expert would be the best way to understand how that may look for you and your unique relationship with your loved one.
If you wish to have a relationship with your loved one struggling, sometimes the best way to do this is to create new memories in controlled, safe and time limited environments where you know you both can be regulated and communicate well. Maybe this is in nature somewhere or a trip that brings you back to core cultural values.
Remember that it is also okay to not have a relationship with them if this feels right culturally or emotionally speaking. This is often the hardest decision to make and there is usually a back and forth contemplation about this. To witness loved ones refuse chances to heal can be heartbreaking, isolating and prevent you from growing into a healthy future.
Self healing can be an invitation for others to join
There is a deep internal processing for the adult child coping from these kinds of interpersonal conflicts or deep wounds. If parents or loved ones don’t choose to heal, it can be difficult for the adult child to heal as well. To heal means to move forward and grow stronger and for some, it may be hard to feel you deserve this as you see others around you still suffering. To choose to heal yourself is not selfish. It may even be a way forward for generations before to bear witness to your own healing. It may be an invitation for them to explore this for themselves.
Denial, shame and deep suppression of emotions is the result of “sweeping things under the rug” for far too long. Generational forgiveness and self forgiveness is important. Parents, loved ones and protectors of youth have to be human first so that they may teach generations of the future how to protect themselves. In their wisdom of feeling, we learn to not be ashamed of the things that make us whole.
Forgive yourself for not knowing that you can feel and be strong at the same time. Forgive yourself for surviving in the way you knew how at the time. Forgive yourself for not knowing that self love and self compassion is not selfish. We have to discover ourselves from within and not fight it. We have to find ourselves in the present moment and not live in the fear of never being good enough or aspiring to impossible standards around us that deny us our humanity. True connection to a happiness that lasts is when we value the intrinsic parts of ourselves that are grounded, alive and connected to others.