The Trouble with ‘Should Statements’ and How to Reframe Them

Aug 25

A deceptively impactful word we often use is “should.” If you are like many people, you have found yourself thinking or saying some “should statements” in your life. I should go to the gym or I shouldn’t work so much. I should get more sleep or I should get out of bed. I shouldn’t spend so much time on [insert your social media platform of choice]. I should have known better. I should be at a different place in life. And one that I hear most often from clients: I shouldn’t feel this way. Sound familiar? If so, you are not alone.

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, these kinds of should statements are called cognitive distortions. This is a fancy way of saying they are a faulty thinking pattern that we believe to be true. Sometimes we learn them in childhood or develop these patterns because of external and societal pressures. Sometimes we create them because of a trauma we have experienced. The process does not happen overnight and it happens for a good reason. Our minds do this to keep us safe and we develop cognitive distortions as a way to cope with any number of adverse life events, large and small. Although should statements may help us initially to cope with something difficult, overtime they can have a negative impact on our emotional well-being, relationships, and lives.

One thing is for sure, we all engage in cognitive distortions to varying degrees. If you’re curious about other cognitive distortions, you can find a list of them here.

Anecdotally I find that should statements are a cognitive distortion that come up often in therapy sessions and they tend to come hand in hand with two other tough comrades: guilt and shame. I like how Brené Brown defines these two emotions in her TedTalk, Listening to Shame. Brown says, “shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is ‘I am bad.’ Guilt is ‘I did something bad.’” These two emotions are often linked with should statements. Two reasons should statements can be problematic are first, because they are filled with implicit messaging and second, they inherently don’t accept reality. Combined, this can lead to tricky emotions like guilt and shame.

The implicit message of should statements is the opposite of what is said on the surface of the statement. If I say, “I should go to the gym,” the unsaid message is ‘but I'm not.’ “I shouldn’t feel this way”... ‘but I do’, “I should’ve known better”... ‘but I didn’t.’ And so on. These silent yet primary messages we get from should statements tend to reinforce the idea that we are failing. Should statements set an expectation without clearly defining it nor setting manageable steps to achieving it, which sets us up to fail. When we continually do not meet our expectations, explicit or implicit, we may incur a constant feeling of guilt, or that we have done something bad.

Furthermore, should statements negatively impact us because they are set outside of our true experience and reality. Typically if we try re-wording a should statement, the word “wish” often comes up. “I shouldn’t work so much” can be said as “I wish I didn’t work so much,” and we get the same implicit message: I still work too much. Should statements are a form of rigid wishful thinking that reject reality, focusing on how we wish things are rather than our honest present. Instead of being rooted in encouragement to help us reach our goal, should statements lack acceptance for our lives and ourselves. The idea that someone “shouldn’t feel angry” implicitly rejects the reality that they do feel angry in that moment. This is where shame can take over. The constant reinforcement of wishful thinking means we are denying what we are doing or feeling, and the implicit message becomes that we are bad or wrong in some way. Over time, the consistent implicit messaging and rejection of reality can make us feel sad, hopeless, and lower our self-esteem.

So should statements can be tough on our emotional well-being, now what? There are a few ways to work with your should statements.

1. Ask Why

This question rarely steers us wrong. The next time you notice yourself using should statements, such as “I should be at a different place in life,” consider asking yourself why you want to be at that place or not be in your current place. From there you can explore your values (i.e. how important is it to you to be at that place or to change your life now?). Reflecting on why may have multiple answers, and ultimately it can help determine what values are important to you, which can then guide your next move.

2. Set some goals

Sometimes should statements are rooted in important values as mentioned before, and they give us information about ourselves and what we want. One great way to reframe a should statement is to turn it into a goal. For example, “I should go to the gym more often” can become “my goal is to go to the gym more often.” By identifying a specific goal, you can then break that down into manageable, realistic actions to help you live more aligned with your own values and achieve your goals.

3. Replace it

Replacing a should statement is another way to reduce the implicit messaging and help us re-orient ourselves in the present. It also feels similar to goal setting. To use this method, when you notice “should” thinking, replace the word ‘should’ with could or would. For example, “I shouldn’t spend so much time on Instagram” can be softened with “I could spend less time on Instagram” or “I would like to spend less time on Instagram.” Both options are more encouraging and may reduce the guilt and shame that should statements can induce.

4. Remove it

This option is one of my favorites because it's simple and effective. There are some instances when it won’t fit, but when it does, it can be very powerful. I have found this technique is most helpful for should statements about feelings. To practice this method, remove the word “should” from the statement entirely. When we remove the ‘should’, we stop the implicit messaging in its tracks and get to the truth of our experience. For example, “I shouldn’t feel sad” becomes “I feel sad.” By removing the “shouldn’t” we accept the feelings we are experiencing at the moment. This acceptance can lead to growth and deeper healing by making room for us to acknowledge our feelings and cope rather than judge or dismiss the presence of that emotion.

To Wrap Up…

You may start noticing the word ‘should’ everywhere and it’s important to remember that words are not intrinsically good or bad, and ‘should’ is no exception. It only becomes problematic over time when it transforms into a consistent negative thinking pattern that we believe is absolute truth. Only you know if “should” has become a way of thinking that’s impacting your well-being or maybe it's solely another word in your vocabulary. Regardless, as you explore should statements, I encourage you to keep in mind that these thought patterns develop over time and may take time to unlearn and reframe.

Clare